Conversations- okbai.

Before getting into the Conversations, just wanted to say that this is my last column with The New Indian Express. We are unfortunately no longer a couple but we remain the best of friends and hope the media will respect our privacy at this difficult time. I may continue the Conversations here on the blog and use more bad werds in them but it will probably be way more sporadic or they may die away completely and give rise to other new and exciting things. Who can say? And now, at the risk of sounding like an Academy Award acceptance speech, I want to thank all peepals who read the column and told me what they thought of it, even if they thought it was all a bleddynahnsense. Special shout-out to those who took the time to comment on the column on this blog, you are all awesome terrorist peepals and I am appreciating you like I appreciate this elephant jumping on trampoline.




okbai.


***


K- You're talking about the underwear, right?

S- What?

K- Hipster. You're talking about the underwear, yes?

S- No.

K- Really? Wow.

S- I'm scared to ask what you thought that whole 'hipster racism' conversation was about.

K- It wasn't about racist underwear?

S- No, the hipsters I was talking about are a kind of American. Or they're mostly American. Or something. I'm not really sure what they are.

K- You talk about Americans way too much. I bet Americans don't talk about you half as much as you talk about them.

S- I can't help it, I'm Indian. I love talking about how cultureless and depraved America is but I will sell my children for the chance to go there and work in a convenience store.

K- India clearly needs more convenience stores.

S- Anyway, I want to know about these hipster people. Because apparently, they say racist things but they say those things because they're NOT racist. Isn't that interesting?

K- Not as interesting as replacing the word 'racist' with 'slow jogger'. Let's do that!

S- I mean, how are we supposed to know these hipsters are not racists?

K- 'I mean, how are we supposed to know these hipsters are not slow joggers?' Hey, that's neat!

S- Maybe they have some kind of special ID.

K- Who cares? We live in India! Who cares about slow jogger underwear Americans?

S- But what if one of them came here?

K- They'll get loose motion and go home.

S- Oh my God.

K- What?

S- I just remembered this show I saw where they described a dance as having very loose motion.

K- Oh my God.

S- I know! I couldn't watch the rest because 'loose motion' seemed to be a very popular way of describing this particular form of dance. Anyway, I'm going to go figure out this hipster racism thing.

K- Please do. American hipster racism is such a flabbergastingly serious problem in India.

***

S- Maybe you can't appreciate the awesomeidiosyncrasy of American hipster racism because you're Indian. Let me Indianize it for you.

K- Let me guess. You're going to neatly replace 'racism' with 'casteism'. Because racism and casteism are EXACTLY the same.

S- Yes.

K- Are you on drugs? Seriously, are you?

S- Look, what would you do if an American hipster came here and said something racist to you and you retaliated because you didn't know that person was actually not racist?

K- I wouldn't retaliate at all. I'd shake them down for money.

S- What?

K- Seriously, I do that to all the foreigners I meet.

S- Even the NRIs?

K- Especially the NRIs.

S- Let me guess. You sell them those yellow cloth bags for twelvtythousand rupees.

K- That's so Old Skool. I sell them pieces of extremely low quality paper and say it's handmade by Indian slum children who have no hands.

S- That is so wrong.

K- It really is, considering that the paper actually comes from cheapud half-quire note.

S- The low quality paper probably makes it more authentically Indian.

K- One time I told this guy that I had sold my kidney and needed money to buy it back. I even showed him a scar.

S- Oh, that's good.

K- Yeah, that was awesome because the scar was actually on my arm. But it all worked out in the end.

S- I think being mean to foreigners and NRIs is racist.

K- I think being mean to foreigners and NRIs is a slow jogger!

S- These conversations are racist.

K- These conversations are a slow jogger!

S- I think I should go.

K- Are you coming back?

S- No. Are you?

K- No.

S- okbai.

K- okbai.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, July 31, 2010

Conversations: The Un-Understanding List

In what appears to have become a regular feature with the realworld newspaper edition of the Conversations column, I bring you another episode of the Fortnightly Fuckup! Last time, a mysterious blurb about Techworld magically infiltrated my column and planted itself there like a tumor of strange words. This week, apparently more than half the printed copies of my column have gone out with Sridala Swami's respected name and logo attached to it. What exciting things will happen to the next installment of the column? Perhaps they will insert the word 'aloo' at random intervals. Perhaps they will replace the entire text with the lyrics of 'The Cheeky Girls Song' printed in reverse. Perhaps we should have a contest to see who can guess what will happen to the next column!

Anyhoo, just want to say that contrary to popular opinion propagated by numerous copies of The New Indian Express, Sridala Swami did not write the Conversations column this week. I can only pray that people will not think badly of her on seeing her name attached to a column that is of such questionable repute that questionable things keep happening to it.

okbai.

***

S- Why an un-understanding list?

K- To keep track of all the things I don't understand.

S- Like?

K- Like I don't understand why I keep drinking Rooh Afza.

S- Eh?

K- If there's one drink I can't stand it's Rooh Afza. But then I'll go to someone's house, they'll offer me a glass and I just can't say no. I don't understand, is there some kind of Rooh Afza mind control happening?

S- The red color has hypnotizingmesmerizing effect on you.

K- For some reason I think, ok this is DEFINITELY going to taste like strawberries and happiness. Then I taste it and I feel cheated and sad.

S- You need to keep a Post-it with you that says 'Do not drink Rooh Afza. You will feel cheated and sad'. Next.

K- I don't understand why there's no market for my movie GhettoDawg BlingBling.

S- What's it about?

K- Poor white American children overcome their poverty and repair the hole in the ozone layer through disco dancing. I was hoping to promote it by adopting a lot of poor white American children.

S- Where were you planning on keeping them?

K- I don't want to keep them, I just want to adopt them.

S- I think if you adopt poor white American children, you have to keep them.

K- ALL of them?

S- Yes.

K- But India is already overpopulated. And I only have one room.

S- Maybe you can leave them in America and go see them on weekends.

K- Good idea. Also, I don't understand why we're having so much trouble bringing Warren Anderson back. Is he hiding? Should we use Google Earth to find him?

S- Can't help you there, sorry. Next.

K- Why does everyone say that when it comes to Warren Anderson?

S- Next.

K- I don't understand why some people keep screaming 'I HATE INTER-CASTE MARRIAGE!!!' at me. What do they want me to do?

S- They want you to scream along with them.

K- Here's what I think. If you don't like inter-caste marriage, then don't have an inter-caste marriage. You will be happier and you won't feel the need to keep screaming at people.

S- You're missing the point. They like screaming 'I HATE INTER-CASTE MARRIAGE!!!' at people. Next.

K- I don't understand why 'Summer of '69' was such a popular song in my country.

S- Neither do I. That and 'Hotel California'.

K- I used to really like those songs but they've been so overplayed that I'd rather remove my medulla oblongata with a blunt pencil than listen to them again.

S- It's a CIA plot.

K- Really?

S- No but that's a handy explanation for anything you can't understand or don't want to understand. For example, I believe that integral calculus is a CIA plot.

K- Is this why people say feminism and homosexuality are CIA plots?

S-Precisely. Why can't you get a job? CIA plot. Why does everyone hate you? CIA plot.

K- That's so awesome.

S- I love CIA plots. Next.

K- Why don't we call honour killings 'murder'?

S- Because the honour makes it notmurder even though someone gets murdered in the process.

K- But where exactly is the honour?

S- No idea. Maybe you should ask the 'I HATE INTERCASTE MARRIAGE!!!' people. How many more un-understandings are on your list?

K- 865,712.

S- Ok, I have to go now because I promised an old lady I'd help her watch television.

K- What about my list?

S- I don't think she should see your list. She's very old.

K- I don't understand how you can help someone watch television.

S- You should put that down on your list then.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, July 17, 2010

Conversations- The DevelopMentalization of the Inner YouYou

Before getting into the Conversations, I wanted to say,

1. In some realworld newspaper copies of my column, there appears a mysterious blurb for Techworld. I don't know what Techworld is but apparently it's connected to Techie Land. I don't know what that is either. Techworld simply wants to leverage technology to better lives. It wants this so bad that it says this twice. I just wanted to make it very clear to the four people who read my column that I don't work for, endorse or advocate Techworld because they haven't given me any awesome free stuff. It is also my belief that Techworld cannot help you DevelopMentalize your Inner YouYou although the blurb kind of gives one the impression that it can.

2. And now, I CAN HAZ INSECKS BUK Appreciation Time! I would like to say thanks very much ya to Manasi Subramaniam for this pitchur.


Manasi is very happy and holding my book very effectively at the same time. Some may think, well maybe there's a person on the other side of the camera saying 'SMILE OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!' While we cannot deny this as a possibility, the fact remains that Manasi is smiling and holding my book. You can do the same! Yes! You too can hold my book and smile and be happy! How, you ask? Sorry, no. I will not shamelessly pimp my book in this post. I just won't.

3. The Madras Terrace House is closing and I haz a sad because that's where I had my book launch but back in those days, it was called The Madras Terrance House. But you can haz a happy because like a zombie, it will be resurrected elsewhere and also, if you live in Chennai you can go there now because they have, and I quote, "Garments at a 50% discount, home accessories, books, scarves, jewelery, slippers and bags at a 20% discount!"

4. The Dude's dancing has added levels awesome if you watch it while listening to the song Speaker Baje.



suhpeekur baje suhpeekur. suhpeekur baje suhpeekur.

okbai.

*****

K- I need to make some money.

S- And getting a job like normal people would be-

K- Too much work. Starting a spiritual movement means I just have to smile and say things that don't make sense and I will get lots of money.

S- Isn't that what politicians do?

K- Hopefully my spiritual movement will lead to a lucrative career in politics later on.

S- So what exactly does your spiritual movement do?

K- It will turn you into a whole new person.

S- Who?

K- What do you mean, who?

S- Who will it turn me into?

K- Nobody, you'll still be you. But you'll be a better you.

S- I will be a YouYou.

K- Precisely. DevelopMentalizing the Inner YouYou is all about understanding That and only That which is not everything and not nothing. But it is something.

S- You're doing that 'saying things that don't make sense' thing, right?

K- DevelopMentalizing the Inner YouYou is an investment in the future of tomorrow today for tomorrows of the future.

S- Why do I feel like you're trying to sell me insurance?

K- Eh?

S- Well I never understand what insurance people are saying either.

K- Don't afraid. All will be clear once you DevelopMentalize your Inner YouYou. You will have increased mental capacitization, lifelong lifefulness and everyone will like you.

S- Your spiritual movement sounds like those sidey ads. You know, the ones that say 'for curing gas firstnight marriage piles so many treatment NRIgovernmentofficer sucessful'.

K- You want testimonials? I have testimonials.

S- You do?

K- Yes. I'll call you back.


***

S- That was fast.

K- Testimonial # 1. I DevelopMentalized my Inner YouYou and now I am awesome. Other people think I am awesome also.

S- Who is this person?

K- Lakshmi.

S- Lakshmi who?

K- B. Lakshmi.

S- I think you made that testimonial up.

K- Why?

S- Because it's stupid.

K- Ok, Testimonial #2. I DevelopMentalized my Inner YouYou and I have dissolved my ego and learned to love myself. I have also discovered that I can fly.

S- Wow. And who is this from?

K- Lakshmi.

S- This is not B. Lakshmi.

K- No, this is another Lakshmi.

S- Another Lakshmi sounds like she's on drugs.

K- Ok, forget the testimonials. Let me demonstrate why you need to join my spiritual movement. How many of your life goals have you achieved so far?

S- I don't have any life goals.

K- Why?

S- I'm allergic.

K- You're allergic to life goals?

S- Yes.

K- Wow. Ok, well what about things that you reallyreally want?

S- I reallyreally want an elephant.

K- You don't want a car? Or an iPad? Or George Clooney?

S- I'd rather have the elephant. Can your spiritual movement get me an elephant?

K- No.

S- Bummer.

K- What about anguish, do you have any anguish? Depression? General angst and despair?

S- I have a sinus condition.

K- Wait! You don't have money!

S- This is so true.

K- DevelopMentalizing your Inner YouYou cures moneylessness!

S- Really?

K- But that's also why you can't join. We require a fee to DevelopMentalize your Inner YouYou. In fact, we require many fees to be paid over a very long period of time.

S- Your spiritual movement sounds like a loan. I'm not sure if that's better or worse than sounding like insurance.

K- Inner YouYous are expensive. Very high-maintenance spirituality.

S- So joining your spiritual movement could cure me of my moneylessness but I can't join because I don't have any money?

K- Exactly.

S- Your spiritual movement sucks.

K- Don't feel bad. People who don't have money don't have Inner YouYous either.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, July 3, 2010

Conversations- Great White Hope

S- I think she meant 'dusky'. Not 'desky'.

K- Oh.

S- 'Desky complexion' makes no sense. Especially if she was trying to sell you a whitening cream.

K- Yeah, I couldn't figure out if 'desky' was good or bad.

S- Did she say you were pretty BUT dusky? Or did she say you needed to buy whitening cream because if you didn't you would get face cancer and your head would fall off?

K- Not only did she accuse me of being pretty BUT dusky, she said the duskiness had apparently cancelled out the prettiness completely.

S- And the only way to make everything better was to buy eleventytwelvty million rupees worth of whitening cream?

K- Yes. It took her a while to make me understand that I was the most epicest terriblehorriblenogoodverybad human being ever because I was dark. I said, you mean I'm dark like I'm a Dark Lord? And she said no.

S- Aw, too bad.

K- She said being dark was not only bad for me, it was bad for people who had to look at me. My darkness was also preventing me from getting-job-finding-good-husband-leading-happy-awesome-life. I don't know if she meant that as separate things or as one very big thing.

S- I thought you couldn't get a job because you weren't looking for one.

K- That's what I thought too. But apparently I'm jobless because I'm dark. She also implied that my darkness was encouraging acts of global terrorism, killing the rainforests and making small children all around the world cry uncontrollably.

S- Wow. Maybe you really are a Dark Lord.

K- So I said, ok what can I do? I mean, I don't want my skin color to cause global terrorism and make trees commit suicide.

S- Yeah. That's some serious bad karma.

K- So she showed me this whitening cream that was like a kajillion rupees. And she said it was for lightening pigmentation, scrubbing off dead skin cells and I was like blah blah blah and she was like ma'am please listen and I was like blah blah blah.

S- Blah blah blah.

K- Then I realized what this whitening cream was actually going to do. It was going to turn me into a white person. An authentic, I-Love-All-Colored-People, Indian-Food-Gives-Me-Diarrhea white person.

S- Nowai.

K- For realz! This whitening cream would make my desky skin lighter and lighter until-

S- Until you became invisible?

K- Until my brown skin turned white. And a person with white skin is a white person.

S- I don't think it works that way if you were a brown person first.

K- Anyway, I had a feeling this whiteness could help me achieve the dream of every true and patriotic Indian.

S- You mean moving to America?

K- Yes! As a white person I would probably have a nicer time in places like Arizona.

S- Isn't Arizona in Brazil or something?

K- Eh?

S- Arizona? Big river with a bunch of trees? Named after a website that sells stuff?

K- That's the Amazon.

S- Ok. And that's something different that's not Arizona.

K- The Amazon is not Arizona.

S- Ok. The 'A's and 'Z's confused me.

K- Anyway, then I wanted to know if there were different kinds of whitening cream, like to become Russian-White or Italian-White. Then she didn't want to sell me whitening cream anymore and she wanted me to leave.

S- That's too bad.

K- I am doomed to be a Desky Dark Lord forever. Forests will die and children will become serial killers because of me.

S- Bummer you can't be white and go to America now.

K- Yeah. I really wanted to bring back Warren Anderson as a souvenir.


an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, June 19, 2010

Conversations- Health Drink Junkie Mutants

Before I get into the Conversations this week, I wanted to say, so let us think maybe like this it can happen, like maybe you buy this book and the plastic cover is hard to get off the book means what you do? You make a video of it, that's what you do! Add some cut-up 1930's recording of a reading by Bernard Shaw and a reversed Murcof song and boomboompow homibabas!

insects from beef cobbler on Vimeo.

It is true that my great love for this video clip may stem from the fact that my book features prominently in it. You should buy my book because each time someone buys a copy of my book, a kitten is born somewhere in the world and when it is born, it is smiling and having sweet thoughts of eviscerating unicorns. That is not a sweet thought. Forget I said that. Buy the book but forget I said that.

Anyway I am so glad that this very illustrious young man called Crispin Best made this video. If you are the enjoyment, you will probably also like his really neat blog which I really think is really neat. And if you go there, you can also download a chapbook of his called Men for freez (I just finished reading Men and I liked it very much). He also has other neat videos up on his vimeo page.

Stop Being Racist! Pay More Attention! Be More Alert! Do More Better!

okbai.


***

K- Guess how many. Just guess.

S- Minus 117.

K- Six. I snorted six different kinds of health drinks in my youth. I should go for health drink rehab or something, I feel like a junkie.

S- You know what's really sad? You were FORCED to be a health drink junkie! Those health drinks were FORCED on you as a child!

K- This is very true.

S- Mug after mug, day after day, rainy season, hot season, every single blessed day was scorched and cursed with hot, malty, vomit-in-the-mouth health drinks!

K- Clearly you have some health drink issues.

S- Clearly.

K- Well I have issues too. My first issue is that these health drinks did not do what they were supposed to. Correct me if I'm wrong but they were supposed to turn me into an awesome athlete, an awesome cricketer, an awesome scientist and an awesome Bharatanatyam dancer.

S- That's exactly what they were supposed to do.

K- And none of these things has happened. My awesome athletics career began and ended with Marchpast.

S- I didn't know Marchpast was considered athletics.

K- They kicked me out of Marchpast because I was not only making everyone march incorrectly, I also had the ability to bring team morale down to surprising lows.

S- I got kicked out because I thought it was 'March Fast' so I was like, isn't that like running? Apparently it wasn't.

K- Ok, so we both lost out in the Awesome Athletics Division. Awesome Cricketer Division?

S- Chee. Cricket is for boys.

K- Oh yes, I keep forgetting that. Many people don't know that the reason why women can't play cricket is because our long hair and love for the color pink disable our cricketing abilities.

S- Very true. I think that's why women can't do so many things. Long hair and love of pink things disables us.

K- So we are fail in the Awesome Cricketer Division but that's not because of the health drinks, it's because we are women and therefore disabled.

S- Correct.

K- Ok, next. Awesome Scientist Division. My excessive health drink habit failed to save me from falling asleep during every single science class I ever attended in my entire life. So while my sleeping skills developed at an extraordinary rate, the scientist in me quietly coughed and died.

S- I didn't take science group in school.

K- WOAH!

S- Yeah.

K- I can't believe you just said that! Do you realize what you just said?!? Why didn't you take science group, are you a terrorist? Is there something wrong with you?

S- Why is it that whenever I say I didn't take science group in school people act like I just told them I ate a fetus?

K- You are Awesome Scientist Fail.

S- Epic Fail.

K- Ok, that leaves the Awesome Bharatanatyam Division, which is something all Real Indian Women should excel at, no?

S- I used to sit beside a girl who used to do Bharatanatyam. She kept accusing me of staring at her which was really creepy because most of the time, I didn't even know she was there.

K- I'm really good at my own personal style of dancing which is like dappankoothu-creative modern dance- random deep shoulder movements. Bharatanatyam, no.

S- I wonder where all those years of health drink healthiness went. I hope it's not stockpiled inside us, ready to turn us into health drink junkie mutants.

K- If we turn into health drink junkie mutants, I think we will be just like the health drinks that created us.

S- Meaning we will be hot, malty and vomit-in-the-mouth?

K- Meaning we won't actually do anything. And we will be hot, malty and vomit-in-the-mouth also.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, June 5, 2010

Conversations- Conversation Fail

S- It’s ridiculous! We never talk about anything serious or relevant, it’s just nonsense from start to finish. If anyone overheard these conversations, they’d say we were-

K- Brain-damaged spider monkeys on drugs?

S- See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Stop saying things like that!

K- Why? What’s wrong with brain-damaged spider monkeys on drugs?

S- I am not going to have a conversation with you about brain-damaged spider monkeys on drugs or Squirrel AIDS or-

K- Squirrel AIDS is serious stuff, I saw it on YouTube.

S- I just want to talk about something with intellectual maturity and depth.

K- You mean like science? I don’t know anything about science.

S- Do you have anything serious, relevant or important to say? About anything?

K- No.

S- Well call me when you do.

***

S- So obviously the ‘serious relevant important’ conversations aren’t happening.

K- Obviously.

S- How about we talk about normal things in a normal way? Maybe if we stick to normal things the conversations will stay normal.

K- Ok.

S- Tell me what you did today.

K- I…oh, nothing.

S- Tell me.

K- I don’t think I should.

S- Tell me and I’ll decide whether we should pursue the conversation further.

K- I was trying to make candy by melting some old Bournvita.

S- And?

K- The neighbor auntie’s hair caught fire.

S- Ok, that’s a conversation we don’t want to have because it will probably go into non-normal areas. I better hang up.

K- Ok. I need to go apologize to the neighbor auntie anyway.

S- Call me if something normal happens.

K- Will do.

***

S- So I take it nothing normal has happened.

K- Not really. Something normal almost happened and I almost called you but then the normal thing became very non-normal.

S- Do you have normal conversations with other people?

K- Sure. They talk about stuff and when I get bored I hang up.

S- Ah. This is probably why you have no friends.

K- Probably.

S- Let’s talk about the budget.

K- Why?

S- Because it’s normal, serious, important and relevant to our daily lives. What do you think about the budget?

K- I think it’s neat how the words ‘bud’ and ‘get’ come together to form the word ‘budget’, especially when there is no ‘j’ sound in either ‘bud’ or ‘get’.

S- Forget the budget. Let’s talk about poverty.

K- I want to make a movie about American poverty called GhettoDawg BlingBling. I want to promote it by adopting a lot of poor white children.

S- Forget poverty. What books have you read lately?

K- I don’t read.

S- Then I’m going to tell you about a book I’ve read. I’m going to tell you about this book and we’re going to have a normal, intelligent conversation about it. Ok?

K- Ok.

S- This book was about a guy-

K- What was his name?

S- I can’t remember.

K- Was it Juniper?

S- No.

K- Isn’t that neat how you can’t remember what the name was but you can remember what it wasn’t? Imagine if that was how we introduced ourselves. Hi, My Name Isn’t Juniper.

S- You’re doing it again.

K- Isn’t it neat how your name isn’t Juniper and my name isn’t Juniper? We have that in common. Same pinch.

S- For the love of God please stop.

K- In school, some girls used to say same pinch kreech-kreech. What is a kreech-kreech?

S- STOP IT!

K- Sorry.

S- Maybe we just can’t have a normal conversation. Maybe it’s impossible.

K- Maybe we should talk about how I set the neighbor auntie’s hair on fire. It sounds way more interesting than that book you read.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, May 22, 2010

Conversations- Random Observations Made After Getting High at the Dentist

K- Happy Bird Day!

S- It’s not my birthday.

K- Not birthday, Bird Day. It’s your Happy Bird Day. It’s your day of happy birds. Birds are just like you and me except they all have wings.

S- Are you always this high when you come back from the dentist?

K- Yes. I don’t know how drug addicts manage it, being high is extremely exhausting for me. And disorientating. Disorienticorating.

S- That sounds painful.

K- Why is ‘orient’ in the word ‘disorient’? Does it mean that all oriental people are lost? Isn’t that racist?

S- I think you should lie down and not talk on the phone for a while.

K- You’re right. Call you later.

***

K- Did you know that ‘full without’ means ‘completely naked’ in Tamil?

S- ‘Full’ and ‘without’ are English words, no?

K- Yes.

S- How can it mean something in Tamil if it’s in English?

K- Magic.

S- I thought you were supposed to be lying down.

K- I am lying down. Ask me to explain the magic.

S- You’re not lying down somewhere weird, are you?

K- In English, the phrase is kind of like an oxymoron but not really.

S- That’s not an explanation.

K- Magic has no explanation.

S- You are full without brain.

K- See that makes no sense. Because that implies that my brain is naked. Which it isn’t. Because brains can’t be naked.

S- Are you still high?

K- Yes.

S- Maybe you should concentrate more on lying down and less on talking on the phone.

K- Ok. Call you later.

***

K- I just noticed something.

S- Yes?

K- There’s these birds in the birdbath.

S- And?

K- And they are all full without.

S- They’re birds. They’re allowed to be full without.

K- But I think there are ladies birds and gents birds bathing together. They must be Western birds with no sense of Indian culture. That’s why they are shamelessly bathing together in the full without.

S- Bleddy Western birds!

K- These Western birds are roaming around our country in full without and corrupting our Indian bird youth. Soon a Western ladies bird will get raped by a corrupted Indian gents bird.

S- I don’t think birds rape each other.

K- She’ll get raped and everyone will blame her because she is a Western ladies bird. I feel sad for the Western ladies bird.

S- I think you need to go lie down again.

K- Yeah. God I hate birds.

***

K- I thought you should know that a lot of cartoon characters are in half full without. For example, Donald Duck has a shirt and a cap but no pants.

S- Maybe he doesn’t like wearing pants. Like Lady Gaga.

K- Mickey Mouse wears gloves and shorts but no shirt. I think he should tell Donald to put some pants on, no?

S- Or at least some shorts.

K- I wonder if Donald Duck is the cartoon embodiment of the Real Indian Woman. Because a Real Indian Woman would never wear pants, right? Or shorts.

S- She would never, ever wear shorts. Even if someone put a gun to her head and said WEAR THESE SHORTS!

K- I feel Donald Duck would not have that same steely resolve. He would probably wear shorts if his life were at risk. What a weak Western gents bird.

S- Those must have been very powerful drugs your dentist gave you.

K- I fear I may be high for a very long time.

S- Please don’t say that. I can’t handle anymore of these conversations.

K- No problem, I’m going to go talk to the full without Western birds. Maybe I can convince them to put some clothes on.

*

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, May 8, 2010

Conversations- Absolute Best Price

K- Don’t feel bad.

S- I’m not feeling bad. I’m contemplating that very thin line that divides alleged Awesome Bargaining Skills from complete lunacy.

K- I’m just saying you should have asked me before buying that laptop. I could have got you a really nice one, pucca quality for the absolute best price ever.

S- 23 paisa.

K- Yes.

S- You could have got me a laptop for 23 paisa.

K- Yes.

S- Are you on drugs?

K- I seriously can. Company piece, full anti-virus with twelve English movie DVDs that haven’t been released abroad yet. All pucca pucca. With free bag.

S- No warranty?

K- If you want a 10-year complete warranty on everything you have to pay two paisa extra.

S- If you can do all that, you are beyond powerful and influential. You are magic. You are Harry Potter.

K- I just know the right dealers. And these dealers have godowns.

S- I know dealers who have godowns and none of them sell laptops for 23 paisa.

K- That’s where my Awesome Bargaining Skills come in. It’s my skills that kills.

S- Do these skills involve crying? Do you threaten to blow your nose on them if they don’t give you the laptop for 23 paisa?

K- Chee.

S- You throw a tantrum. You jump up and down and say ‘Give me the laptop for 23 paisa! Give me give me give me!’

K- I do have a technique, if that’s what you want to know.

S- I do want to know. I want to know how you bring a laptop price down from several thousands of rupees to 23 paisa.

K- First I laugh in the dealer’s face when he quotes his price. I go HAHAHAHA! like the villain in a Tamil movie just before he rapes someone. When I laugh, it says to the dealer ‘That price is absurd’ and it also says ‘You better rethink that price or I will END you!!!’

S- I will end you? What are you, some kind of deadly punctuation mark?

K- Then I unleash my I Will End You !!! Look Of Extreme Fear on the dealer.

S- Is that where your mouth hangs open and it looks like you’re going to sneeze?

K- HAHAHAHA!

S- Iyo.

K- This is the look that is so powerful that if I wear sunglasses, I can be arrested for concealing dangerous weapons.

S- HAHAHAHA!

K- Why you are laughing?

S- Sorry.

K- I once gave an old woman this look by accident and she had a heart attack.

S- I have seen you give that look to people. It looks like you’ve fallen asleep with your mouth open.

K- With this look, I can make an auto driver take me round and round the city twice with one unnecessary drop at Guduvancheri. Guess how much I will pay. Guess guess.

S- No.

K- Two rupees.

S- I can go round and round the city four times with two unnecessary trips to Neelankarai and one unnecessary drop at Guduvancheri for one rupee.

K- I bought a Blackberry for 50 paisa and I get everything on it for free all the time forever.

S- I found a Blackberry on the road that has everything on it for free all the time forever.

K- My dental work picks up WiFi signals so every time I touch something, it becomes internet-enabled. Like if I touch a toaster. Or a plastic spoon. Or a fish.

S- You can create internet-enabled fish.

K- Did I just go too far and lose this game?

S- You were already losing at the 23 paisa laptop.

K- But I can really get you that though. Absolute best price, pucca quality. Really.

*

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, April 14, 2010

Conversations- The Gee Oh

K- Guess who just got back from Government Office excursion?

S- So that’s where you’ve been all day! The Gee Oh!

K- I be hangin’ at the Gee Oh.

S- Very gangsta of you. You’re the Gee Oh Gangsta.

K- I’m the Gee Oh Gee, yeah you know me!

S- Who’s the Gee Oh Gee?

K- Yeah you know me!

S- Who’s the Gee Oh Gee?

K- Yeah you -

S- Ok enough. I take it nothing happened there as usual.

K- If something ever did happen at the Gee Oh, it would initiate a backward time-loop hiccupsneeze that would cause the universe to swallow itself.

S- Ew.

K- This is why nothing ever happens there. It is holding the universe together.

S- What games did you play today? Did you play Run Up And Down And Up And Down The Building Signature Hunt?

K- No, that was last time. And a very invigorating game it was too because one person absolutely refused to sign anything unless I bought them samosa and tea, sang their personal top ten hits of MGR while standing on one leg and promised to bring them four bottles of authentic Andhra mango pickle.

S- So what did you play today?

K- First we played Repeat After Me Because You Are Stupid.

S- I’ve never played that!

K- It’s definitely one of the Old Skool games. The esteemed Gee Oh Official yawns at your kazillion papers. Then he says ‘You need to get attestation from two freshwater ducks that are on their way to Latvia.’

S- Then?

K- Then he looks at you and says very slowly, ‘You need to get? Come on, tell me?’

S- Oh! It’s like filling in the blanks!

K- It really does wonders for your self-esteem to be an adult and sit there while another adult talks to you like you are a three-year old that eats glue.

S- It is a very long game?

K- It really is. We were playing for about an hour before we finally got to ‘Two freshwater ducks that are on their way to? Come on come on say me? Lat-vi-a. Very good.’

S- You played that the whole day?

K- No, after that we had a very dramatic session of You Don’t Have A Pen?!

S- That game scares me. So much drama.

K- I think some of our most powerful dramatic actors work in the Gee Oh and they only display their full artistic prowess when they find out you don’t have a pen. This one was just like Sivaji, very powerful emoting.

S- These are the people who can win us Oscars!

K- He kept saying, ‘You are an educated person? You don’t have a pen?’ Then the burden of this became too much for him so he started telling this to everyone who passed by. Then it turned into an interactive theater piece.

S- Wow, what was that like?

K- Half the people said I didn’t have a pen because I was arrogant and the other half said it was because my family was arrogant. I didn’t realize there was such a strong connection between arrogance and not having a pen.

S- There is only one way for you to beat this whole Gee Oh business for good.

K- And that is?

S- Join those freshwater ducks that are going to Latvia.

K- I don’t want to go to Latvia. I’m proud to be an Indian.

S- Then you’ll probably be going to the Gee Oh for the rest of your life.

K- I’m so ready! Who’s the Gee Oh Gee? Yeah you know me! Who’s the-

S- No need. Once is enough.

*

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, April 10, 2010

Conversations- Disturbing Things

K- I can’t even talk right now. It was So. Disturbing. I can’t even tell you how disturbing it was. I am so disturbed by how disturbing it was.

S- Well I have to go anyway so-

K- Ask me what was so disturbing.

S- Actually I have to -

K- I watched ‘Imprint’! It’s a Japanese horror movie type thing that they wouldn’t show on American T.V. because it was so disturbing!

S- I don’t want to hear about it.

K- Yeah, it was pretty disturbing. I don’t think you could handle that much disturbingness.

S- Cool. Anyway, have to go now so-

K- Call me later and I’ll tell you what was so disturbing.

***

K- You never called so I thought I should call you myself to tell you what was so disturbing in the Japanese horror movie type thing. There was this scene where they tortured this geisha-

S- I don’t want to know.

K- Don’t tell lies. You DO want to know but you’re putting scene.

S- I’m not putting scene, I really don’t want to know. Let’s talk about non-Japanese horror movie type things.

K- Can we talk about geishas?

S- No.

K- Can we talk about Japanese culture?

S- What do you know about Japanese culture?

K- I know about geishas. Let’s talk about geishas.

S- If you even say the word ‘geishas’, I’m hanging up.

K- But geishas are a part of Japanese culture, it’s racist not to talk about them. Hello? Did you just hang up on me?

***

K- Hi. I don’t want to talk about geishas.

S- Glad to hear it.

K- Can we talk about sewing?

S- What in God’s name would you have to say about sewing?

K- I want to talk about needlepoint. I want to talk about how there are needles in needlepoint.

S- So?

K- There are also needles in the torture scene in the Japanese horror movie type thing and they stick them into this woman’s-

S- No.

K- But I didn’t even say ‘geishas’!

S- You can’t talk about needles anymore.

K- Can I talk about incense?

S- No.

K- Fine. Then I won’t tell you about how in the torture scene in the Japanese horror movie type thing they burned this woman with incense and - Hello? Did you hang up on me again?

***

K- You hung up on me again.

S- What part of ‘No’ do you not understand?

K- I thought maybe you meant ‘Yes’ when you said ‘No’.

S- You’re not allowed to talk to me about geishas, needles or incense.

K- Then you talk about something.

S- Ok, let’s talk about who I saw today. Remember that girl from college who used to eat six samosas everyday?

K- The one with the twin?

S- No no, remember she would never share because she said she would faint if she didn’t eat six samosas a day?

K- She had a twin, no?

S- No.

K- Funny you should mention twins.

S- I didn’t mention twins, what’s wrong with you?

K- There was a parasitic twin in the Japanese horror movie type thing which was actually this little face in the middle of a hand which lived on this geisha’s head don’t hang up on me. Hello?

S- Yes?

K- You didn’t hang up on me!

S- That’s because I wanted to tell you that you’re not allowed to talk to me about anything ever again.

K- Can I talk about this little girl with blue hair who had a parasitic twin living on her head if I don’t mention that the little girl grows up to be a geisha? Hello? Why do you keep hanging up on me, it’s really rude.

*

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, March 27, 2010

Conversations- Letting the Air Force In

K- So I ran into an old lecturer from college-

S- Oh I love it when people meet their old lecturers! Did she hug you and cry? Did you both have slow-motion college flashback? Was it like the Raymond’s ads?

K- Now that you mention it, I think she did want to cry a little.

S- Because she remembered you and was overcome by golden memories from the evergreen pastures of her golden memories?

K- No, because I actually ran into her. As in I accidentally knocked her down some stairs and she may have concussion and stuff.

S- Oh.

K- She was really mad. I think she wants to sue me.

S- Chi, people only sue in America. Also, I don’t think you should take anything said in the heat of concussion personally.

K- Oh! But I totally remembered her! I was like ‘Ma’am, you remember me?’ and she was like ‘Why should I remember you? Who said I should remember your face?’

S- Maybe the concussion put her in a bad mood.

K- I remember her because every time she came into class, she would say ‘Come on girls, open the windows! Let the Air Force come in.’

S- No way.

K- She totally did! And I would always think, wouldn’t that be the best thing ever? If you opened the windows and these fabulous Air Force men just started leaping gracefully into the room? Sometimes I would picture the Air Force men wearing little sailor outfits and jumping through the windows while that song Chandralekha from Thiruda Thiruda played in the background.

S- I can totally see that happening.

K- It was the best class ever. I can’t remember what class it was exactly but it was the best class ever.

S- I had a teacher who would tell us to stop oscillating in the hallways.

K- Oh suh-weet!

S- It was a bit creepy actually. Because we never saw her, we just heard her voice. We’d be standing there and suddenly this voice would say ‘Girls! Why you are oscillating in the hallways?’ I mean how do you even answer a question like that? ‘No ma’am, we’re not oscillating ma’am’? ‘Sorry ma’am, we’ll not oscillate again ma’am’?

K- Did I tell you about my teacher who would say ‘I say you get out!’ even when we were outside?

S- Wow. That must have been very weird for you.

K- It really was. Because we wouldn’t know where to go, you know? How do you ‘get out’ when you’re already outside?

S- It’s a loaded philosophical metaphor.

K- I remember this one girl had a theory that maybe we were supposed to go back inside but we could never test this out.

S- Why not?

K- Because this teacher didn’t actually want us to go anywhere, she just liked saying ‘I say you get out!’ So if we tried to move, she’d get even angrier and say ‘Where are you going? You are going for a walk? You think this is fish market?’ And I’d be like, why would anyone go for a walk in a fish market?

S- You didn’t actually say that, did you?

K- Of course not! Maybe once I said. Or twice.

S- Ok I have to go. I just remembered I had something on the stove and then I came to talk to you and now I think my kitchen’s on fire.

K- Maybe if you started doing your cooking in some other room you wouldn’t set your kitchen on fire so often.

S- I better go open some windows before I die of smoke inhalation.

K- Open those windows I say! Let the Air Force come in!


an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, March 13, 2010

Conversations- You Bloody Indian

K- I hate kids! I hate them I hate them I hate them!

S- Did that abusive child harass you in the road again?

K- What is his problem? I have never done anything to him ever.

S- Didn’t you tell him his parents were fattening him up because they wanted to eat him one day? And isn’t he scared to eat with his parents now? And doesn’t he have paranoia attacks whenever he sees a spoon?

K- Apart from that, I have never bothered that child. And now I can’t walk past his house without him verbally abusing me. If this was America, I would be on Oprah and people in the audience would be crying for me.

S- How old is he?

K- Maybe six.

S- Six? You want to go on Oprah because you’re being verbally abused by a six year old?

K- You have no idea what comes out of that kid’s mouth. Today he kept calling me an eggplant and an onion. Like he was going Hey Eggplant, Hey Onion, Hey Eggplant, Hey Onion.

S- Wow.

K- It sounds way worse in Tamil, it’s like major disrespect. Like I can’t even say how major that kind of disrespect is. So major.

S- Gangsta level disrespect.

K- Totally. So then I was like, oh no you didn’t!

S- You were going to shut that bidness down!

K- Oh you know I was! So I said what do you think you are, a big lentil?

S- A big lentil?

K- Very confrontational in Tamil, trust me. If you call someone a big lentil, you’re looking for hardcore gangsta violence.

S- Verbal abuse in Tamil seems to be very food-oriented.

K- So ask me what the abusive kid says.

S- What did he say?

K- He called me a bloody Indian!

S- Woah.

K- I know! I’m like, you can’t call me a bloody Indian, you stupid abusive Indian kid!

S- It’s so weird when Indians call other Indians bloody Indians.

K- India is the one place where an Indian should be able to walk down the road without having another Indian call them a bloody Indian.

S- Does he even know what he’s saying?

K- I don’t think so. And he was doing a little hip shake so it was like this abusive, badly choreographed song and dance number. And then he started getting creative and going Bloody Bloody Indian, Bloody Bloody Eggplant, Bloody Bloody Onion.

S- Like a remix version.

K- Then I was thinking. What is a bloody Indian anyway? An Indian covered with blood? An Indian who spontaneously bleeds? An Indian who induces spontaneous bleeding in other people?

S- I saw a movie like that once.

K- Really?

S- Yeah, it was like all these people started bleeding all over everything for some reason, I can’t remember why.

K- Anyway, then I thought maybe Bloody Indian was code for something. So I went online-

S- What do you do when you can’t go online? Just curious.

K- I get really sad and I want to kill myself and then I take nap.

S- So you were suicidal and napped a lot prior to the internet.

K- Yes. Anyway, so I go online and start generating anagrams. And one of the anagrams for Bloody Indian is Bad Idli Onion. Ok, maybe it was ‘Idly’, like Idle-Idly. But I’m going with Idli, like Sambar-Idli. I’m going to call him that next time.

S- You’re going to call the abusive kid sambar-idli?

K- No, Bad Idli Onion. Though sambar-idli does have something incredibly dangerous about it.

S- You such a verbal gangsta.

K- Run for cover, you Onion Eggplant Lentil.


an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, February 27, 2010

Conversations- The Man with the Pipe

K- Me? Oh I have big V-Day plans. Very big.

S- I was hoping you’d say you don’t have any plans because you are alone and nobody loves you and then I could say oh yay, me too!

K- I’m having a Man With The Pipe Movie Marathon.

S- Is that porn? You’re doing a porn marathon for V-Day?

K- No, it’s all these old movies that have The Man With The Pipe in them. You know, that guy with the gray hair, suspenders, moustache, pipe. He sort of just stands on large winding staircases and says ‘Jolly good!’ or ‘I say you get out!’

S- Oh right! I saw a movie where he stole radioactive things that looked like tubelights and hid them in his briefcase.

K- I saw a movie where he kept whipping his wife with his belt.

S- His pants didn’t fall down?

K- No, he’s got suspenders, remember?

S- Dude’s wearing a belt AND suspenders? Very the sexy!

K- There was this scene where he’s whipping his wife and she’s hugging his legs and he’s trying to shake her off, like ‘Get off me bish so I can whip you better.’

S- I’ve never understood that, why would you grab the legs of someone who clearly wants to whip you to death?

K- I know, right? And you know what the Leg-Hugging Woman says? She says ‘You can beat me, kick me, even kill me. But please just tell me what I did to deserve this.’

S- Now that’s a Real Indian Woman. They don’t make them like that anymore.

K- Then things got very complicated. First the Hero slaps the Heroine because she’s arrogant and speaks English and wears pants. Then she falls in love with him and starts wearing saris.

S- That usually happens when you slap someone. One Tight Slap-Oh I Love You- Oh I Am Wearing Sari.

K- Then The Man With The Pipe slaps the Heroine because he’s like, how can you let the Hero slap you, you’re supposed to be arrogant and speaking English.

S- Right. And hello, where are your pants?

K- Exactly. And then the Hero slaps the Heroine again because he’s like how can you let The Man With The Pipe slap you, only I’m allowed to slap you because I love you.

S- And in between all this the Leg-Hugging Woman got whipped with a belt. So much drama.

K- Then after being attacked by something that looked like a plastic pink flamingo, The Man With The Pipe and the Hero decided to be friends. So they were shaking hands and The Man With The Pipe was saying ‘Jolly good!’ and the Heroine and the Leg-Hugging Woman were smiling at each other and thinking ‘Suh-weet, nobody’s beating us!’

S- That sounds a lot like the radioactive-tubelights-in-the-briefcase movie.

K- Maybe it’s the same movie! Was there a party scene with all these malnourished people holding glasses of juice and looking really sad?

S- No, but the Heroine could play the piano without actually touching the keys. It was like magic.

K- Like Lord of the Rings magic!

S- Not like Lord of the Rings magic.

K- Wouldn’t that be cool though? If these movies were like Lord of the Rings? The Man With The Pipe would be like Gandalf!

S- This conversation has suddenly become one of those conversations I don’t want to have anymore.

K- The Heroine would be like Frodo!

S- Ok, I need to…go do something else. Happy V-Day Movie Marathon Man Pipe Thing Whatever.

K- And the Leg-Hugging Woman would be like that elf-dude with the pretty hair! Such pretty hair he had, no? Hello?

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, February 13, 2010

Conversations- The Importance of Seeing Snooki

K- You know what I hate about Indian TV? There’s nothing to watch. Like, nothing.

S- Unless you’re still living in the socialist Doordarshan era, there’s about 900 channels to watch now.

K- There’s no Jersey Shore. I want to watch Jersey Shore.

S- Why?

K- There’s someone called Snooki on it and she got punched by some guy.

S- Snooki is a person?

K- Yeah, she’s Snooki. She got punched by some guy.

S- Well that’s always a big incentive to watch a TV show.

K- It’s not just that, Jersey Shore is about how real Jersey people live in the real Jersey. Where is Jersey anyway, is it in Chicago? Is it where mobsters come from?

S- It’s in Canada, right behind Alaska.

K- No way, really? Anyway, I just want to see what all the fuss is about with Snooki. And The Situation.

S- What situation?

K- The Situation is this guy but he’s not the guy that punched Snooki. The Situation used to be an exotic dancer which I think means he used to be a stripper.

S- This conversation is giving me a headache.

K- Snooki said she would change the world by installing a tanning bed in every home.

S- She would probably get wiped out by India’s Whitening Cream Mafia. They are super deadly.

K- Really?

S- The Whitening Cream Mafia is so super deadly they can make people glow like tube lights. They can also make people think that glowing like tube lights is a good and beautiful thing.

K- Are they going to kill us because we’ve been talking about tanning beds?

S- Probably.

K- I’ll talk to you later then.


***


K- Oh my God, I just had the weirdest dream!

S- Remember how we decided you wouldn’t tell me your dreams anymore because your subconscious is creepy?

K- I dreamed about Snooki! Only she looked like Sridevi from the Hawa Hawaii song and these Glowing Tubelight Whitening Cream Mafia Models were beating her up with tanning beds and shouting Snooki! Theerpu maathi sollu!

S- Eh?

K- I think that happened because I watched Nattamai before falling asleep. Anyway, then The Situation showed up only he looked like John Abraham and I said The Situation! Don’t just stand there, save The Snooki!

S- Nattamai! Theerpu maathi sollu!

K- And you know what he did? Dude starts taking off his clothes! I didn’t really mind that part of the dream actually. Anyway, then the Glowing Tubelight Whitening Cream Mafia Models liquidated HawaHawaiiSridevi and she turned into this plastic scented remote control protector with fluorescent green side strips.

S- I miss Hawa Hawaii Sridevi. I miss that Bollywood. What happened to it? Where did it go?

K- I know, right? Eye see you see something something Mombaasa ping pong.

S- You know what song I really miss? Tama Tama Loge.

K- Tu Premi.

S- A-ha!

K- Mein Premi.

S- A-ha!

K- Tu Raazi.

S- Ok, enough. Anyway, I hope this SnookiSridevi nightmare has cured your Jersey Shore obsession.

K- No way, I’m going to see if I can Torrent it. Hey, did I tell you I found this Jersey Shore Nickname generator online? Guess what my Jersey Shore name is. Guess guess.

S- The Stupid?

K- Pookie. Although I don’t think that name generator was designed for Indian names.

S- Wow, that’s racist.

K- Really?

S- Oh absolutely. Online nickname generators for American reality television shows that don’t cater to Indian names are definitely racist. You should complain.

K- I’m going to start a Facebook page on Racist Jersey Shore Nickname Generators.

S- You go girl! Make Snooki proud!

*

from The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, January 30, 2010

Conversations- Facebooking

S- You spent the last 72 hours on Facebook? Do you realize how long 72 hours is?

K- Do you realize that Facebook can help you find the girl who sat behind you in college? I just found the girl who sat behind me and I looked at all her photographs. She’s posted 57 pictures of her hand.

S- Wow, was she on drugs?

K- I think they were supposed to be artistic or something. Anyway, she said she remembers sitting behind me in college which is so awesome because I remember sitting in front of her!

S- Why did she post 57 pictures of her hand?

K- I think some of them were of her kid.

S- That must be a weird-looking kid if it looks like a hand.

K- Anyway, I have to go work on my 25 Random Things You Should Know About Me list. I really want it to be funny and irreverent and thought-provoking and serious and heartwarming and edgy and funny.

S- And awesome?

K- And awesome. Definitely awesome.

S- Maybe there’s an online tutorial for that. How To Write A 25 Random Things You Should Know About Me List That Is Funny and Irreverent and Thought-Provoking and Serious and Heartwarming and Edgy and Awesome.

K- I’m going to go check.

***

K- It took me three whole days but it’s finally finished. And it is awesome.

S- Please please please don’t read it to me. Please.

K- Random fact #1. I love running marathons.

S- You mean you love watching people run marathons on TV.

K- Same thing. Random Fact #2. I love poor orphans.

S- You mean you love watching poor orphans on TV so you can change the channel if they aren’t singing and dancing properly.

K- Look, if I had to choose between a movie about aliens and a movie about poor orphans, I would choose the orphans. It’s like charity, if you think of charity as a non-conventional creatively ideative concept type thing entity thing.

S- An organically cooperative alternative creatively ideative concept type thing entity thing.

K- Exactly. Random Fact # 3. I am a medical marvel because I have two hearts.

S- Ok, not only is that gross, it’s a total lie whereas the other two are only partial lies.

K- How about I say I had one heart but I donated it to Africa?

S- Why are you lying like this on a random Facebook list?

K- Because I’m Facebook friends with people who say they’ve sailed around the world in shoeboxes and built solar-powered cars with chewing gum.

S- Who are these people?

K- I don’t really know, they’re Facebook friends.

S- So you’re making a list of lies to share with people you don’t really know.

K- I know the girl who sat behind me in college. Although I have this nagging feeling I actually sat in the last row. Oh my God.

S- What?

K- What if she’s really some obsessed person who’s stalking me on Facebook? What if she has nude pictures of me?

S- Oh my God! What if she took the nude pictures when she was sitting behind you in college?

K- Oh my God!

S- What if she’s really a sidey old uncle? Or aunty? What if she’s a sidey old uncle AND aunty?

K- OH MY GOD!

S- You should double-check those hand pictures. They probably aren’t hands at all.

K- Don’t say that!

S- They’re probably…oh, I can’t even say.

K- OH MY GOD! I’m going to go check. OH MY GOD!

S- You must have gone to a very sidey college if you had aunties and uncles sitting behind you taking nudie pictures.

*

from The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, January 16, 2010