Conversations- There Is Nothing At All and Whatever

I have had immense enjaiments reading some of the transcripts of the Radia tapes because I think they are neat. I used to like reading plays because of the dialogue but these transcripts are better because they are shorter, and the language is, to quote SHINee, so fantastic, fantastic, fantastic, fantastic, elastic, elastic, elastic, elastic. So it’s like the Radia Tapes are the flash fiction of dialogue but not really. These transcripts often differ from the actual audio, which makes them even neater and I wonder if Azhagiri feels bad that everyone keeps calling him Ara Giri. Anyhoo, as a way of showing my appreciations for these transcripts, I tried to do one number thing. I have taken a transcript of a conversation Nira Radia had with that epitome of journalistic epitomes, Vir Sanghvi, which can be found in its originality here. I’ve left Nira Radia’s responses untouched. But I removed Vir Sanghvi from the conversation and replaced it with k from the k&s conversations sometimes seen on this blog because s was not available for the usual conversation and when your buddy s lets you down, the next best person to talk to is Nira Radia. The title of this post is a line that Radia actually says during this conversation, which I thought was just the neatest thing ever. 

Other kinds of neat things are also-

This parrot singing Bodies by Drowning Pool, which is both epic and also incredibly sad.

Hyper boli. What it is the hyper boli? It is like hyperbole but with much more air horn.

C'est Chaud, Ca Brûle - Magic System with Cheb Bilal and Big Ali

Un Gaou A Oran - Magic System with 113 and Mohamed Lamine

African Tonic - Mohamed Lamine with Mokobe & Mory Kante

Something which isn’t neat at all was when I saw this ad issued by the Ministry of Agriculture and it said ‘Detect the adulteration yourself! Never compromise on your health!’ By the by, they are meaning adulteration of the foodstuffs. So I thought Ok! Tell me how I can detect adulteration myself! And I found that all I needed to detect food adulteration all by myself was some HCl, iodine solution, test tubes and carbon tetrachloride, which I guess are all things commonly and readily available in all real Indian households. So not only is this further proof that I am fraudIndian, I’m going to die of food adulteration also.

Would it be a bad idea to put the YOU MAD gif here for no good reason?

 

           stolen from here)

I didn’t think so. YOU SO MAAAAAAD!!!!

okbai.

*****

K: ohai!

Niira: Hi Vir. Where are you Delhi or…

K: Hai Vir!!! Is that what we’re calling each other now? It’s weird but whatever! Anyway, I just got back from the dentist! No one ever talks to me when I get back from the dentist because I’m high as a fucking…thing that is very high. You are the only person who will talk to me. Nee thaan yennaku true friend. You know what that means? It means- hey, you know what? My hand looks FABULOUS! Do you have any hands? I bet they don’t look as good as mine.

Niira: Okay. I just wanted to, I’ve been talking to my Tamil Nadu friends.

K: Do your Tamil Nadu friends have hands? I understand some people in Tamil Nadu have them and they are often used for purposes like carrying various items and also to wave at people. Maybe people in other countries and cultures do this too. Maybe this is what makes us all the same and things like that!

Niira: I just need to, I don’t know whether you are in the position to get through to anyone at Congress. I just met Kanni just now.

K: Am I in a position to get through to anyone at Congress. This is an excellent question. I am going to say yes I probably am but I am not aware of this because right now, all my awareness is focused on the awesomeness that is my hand.

Niira: And I’ve been, you know, we reunited since yesterday. The problem is…

K: The problem is that you ain’t got no pancake mix. Don’t worry, I ain’t gots none either because Indians aren’t supposed to eat pancakes anyway, we’re supposed to eat dosas. You got any dosa mix? And isn’t it shameful for allegedly Indian women to use dosa mix anyway? These all such important questions for the considerations.

Niira: No, I’ll tell you what – they are not understanding that they are actually communicating with the wrong guy. Not because I detached Maran but actually the father has not nominated Maran to negotiate. Now, you know, it’s like a banana republic where the cabinet…

K: How exactly did you detach Maran? Actually don’t answer that, I don’t want to know because it sounds gross. Also, the cabinet is actually a great place for banana storage purposes, especially if you are having rat problem. Maran is having rat problem?

Niira: No. He is not, he is not. I know, no. But the Congress is under the impression. They have already apparently indicated to Maran that the Prime Minister will not give infrastructure berth to DMK, which, but he himself is desperately pushing for an infrastructure berth for himself.

K: You know, once we had rat problem and the cockyfucker went and died inside the house and it smelled like anything. I think the best solution is to get those blue biscuit things and make sure the rat eats them and you don’t eat them also. Latter is very important for good health and well-being of the common people also.

Niira: But the problem is that there is a leader which is Kanni’s brother which is Azhagiri, who’s won that election and he is a mass leader.

K: Really?  What I can say is that I don’t have anything to say on mass leaders. But what I can say is that when I was in school, we had assistant class leaders, which shortens into ass class leaders. This is kind of like mass leaders but not really. Also, it’s not nice also. You know what’s nice though? My hand. It’s really nice. It’s the nicest hand I have ever seen in my entire life.

Niira: Now what has apparently Maran has gone and indicated to Congress is that he will accept a MOS independent and you leave it with me, everything will be okay. 

K: In college, they had student assistant secretaries and they were known as ass secs, which is much worse than ass class. There would be announcements saying all girls please attend the ass secs meeting and then the girls would get in trouble for not going for ass secs meetings. Also no one really listened to these girls either so the population as a whole would get in trouble for not taking ass secs seriously. This is not to be confused with AISEC meetings, which sometimes people called I Suck meetings. All this ass and secks and sucking is very much against the Indian culture I feel.

Niira: Which blames Balu, Raja and Maran Cabinet posts independent to Azhagiri and MOS to Kanni. 

K: You can blame it on the boogie also. And the rain. Because remember, whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you.

Niira: Now, Azhagiri is a very, you know, he is, he is a mass leader. He controls half of Tamil Nadu for Karunanidhi’s point of view.

K: Who controls the other half? Can I control the other half? Because my hand looks FANTASTIC, how fantastic I can’t even say. You know who else has nice hands? Karu Uncle. If you look at some of his pictures, you’ll notice his hands are very nice or at least they look nice sometimes in some pictures. So I think this makes me a great candidate for controlling half of Tamil Nadu because I think my hand looks nicer than his.

Niira: He is far too, too senior for Maran. So, what he has told his father that if you make Maran a cabinet minister…

K: You mean a minister for the cabinet with the bananas?

Niira: …I’ll not come into the cabinet. And the father cannot afford to upset him because…

K: This is very understandable. Also, it seems to me that it’s not a good idea for anyone, your good self included, to get into a cabinet, especially if there are already bananas in there. I’m just saying.

Niira: …simply because of his position.

K: Exactly. I mean, we need to think, what will be his position? His position will be sitting on the bananas and that’s not good for the bananas and the cabinet might fall down also. Like, that’s just what I feel. My opinion only.

Niira: Right now the Congress doesn’t seem to be understanding this. 

K: That’s too bad. Obviously they are having very poor comprehension skills. Draw them a diagram, no? Show them cabinet this size, has to accommodate bananas, so on, so forth. My hand is starting to look weird now.

Niira: They need to, look, they need to talk directly to Karunanidhi, they need to talk to Kanni.

K: This makes a lot of sense because if you need to talk to someone directly, the best way to do this is to talk to someone else. Also, Kanni means fruit and banana is a fruit so she is the natural choice for intermediary fruit discussion purposes. Has she spoken to the bananas directly? Or at least the head banana?

Niira: No, she didn’t speak to him. Only Prime Minister spoke even that was Kanni was translating for him. It was very brief that, you know, let’s try and resolve this issue. There is nothing at all and whatever. They need to get Ghulam Nabi Azad to speak to Kanimozhi. 

K: I think everyone should just have a banana. But maybe the bananas might not like the idea because they don’t want people to eat them because they are bananas.

Niira: Seriously, that’s the only thing that will work and Kanni will take them to her father.

K: I don’t think that should be a problem, as long as she is not taking them to Karu Uncle for eating purposes. Does he eat bananas?

Niira: No. But they need to speak to Kanni and Kanni will take him to their, her father directly.

K: Take them in a fruit basket. I have one you can use. Actually it’s an old bucket but you can use it anyway. Is there any problem with the cabinet? Because I have another old bucket you can use if there is cabinet problem.

Niira: He has no problem with three cabinet berths at all. In fact it is the Congress that messed it up.

K: No problem no problem, this bucket can also be used in place of the Congress. It’s multipurpose bucket. It has no handle also.

Niira: Had they, had they not kept on insisting and kept on pushing Maran forward themselves have been pushing Maran forward. They would have left it to Raja and, and Balu even if they wanted or Raja and Azhagiri and Kanni would taken independent, nobody will, it is Congress they started this whole Maran dialogue. 

K: Well, I think we can agree on one thing. All of them are not going to fit in the cabinet. Especially if the bananas are already in there. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Niira: No. No. No. No, they did, they’ve sent a list earlier with five portfolios and Maran’s name because father was pushed … so he had to send a list with everybody’s name on it. But he was hoping that Congress would come back and say okay we will accept Raja or we will not, or not Raja, we will give you only three portfolios right? But they have not able to, the communication that’s been happening in Congress with DMK has been complete warped. They are talking to the wrong guys.

K: I understand. It is also obvious that the bananas are the most powerful entities at the moment and the only ones who know what is going on. After all, they are occupying the cabinet, no?

Niira: The, the simplest way is Kanni [Indiscernible] [0:03:24]. 

K: Naturally, you need to exploit that fruit connection as much as you can. You can call it the Tutti Frutti Talks. Once I heard this dude call it Tyootee Frootee but he also said syoot instead of sweet. So maybe he was just foreign or had some disease.

Niira: And Kanni [Indiscernible] [0:03:27] will take them to her father directly.

K: Right. But make sure you’re prepared for any and all eventualities, ah? Because if he eats bananas, then what will you have? Banana peels. Cows like banana peels. Putting cows inside cabinets, very difficult. So difficult I cannot tell.

Niira: And they can have this, you know, whatever are the, the concerns, whatever they want to say, let them say in front of Kanni. 

K: You know what I think? I think right now that as bananas, their major concerns would be that they don’t get eaten by anyone.

Niira: Yeah, they should say, they should say we don’t want Maran.

K: They should say we don’t want Maran or anyone eating us because that’s mean and we would die.

Niira: But the moment you drop Maran, your problem gets resolved because Azhagiri has done okay. 

K: I’m sure the bananas don’t want Azhagiri to eat them either. That’s just my opinion though.

Niira: Yeah.

K: Listen, why don’t you do one thing. Change your last name to Radio. Then your name will be Nira Radio, like Near A Radio and that would be neat. Why don’t you just try it out now, just chumma?

Niira: Okay. Give him this message. She is right now…

K: …Near A Radio. See? Do you see what I’m saying? It would be so useful for your name to also pinpoint your location also. Like a GPS name. So like if someone says who is that lady and where is she, I can say Near A Radio and that’s neat for all people involved. I think maybe you’d have to make sure you were near a radio at all times but whatever. Why don’t you try again?

Niira: [Indiscernible] [0:03:51] She is in her South Avenue residence.

K: Ah, see? That sounds boring. So instead, you can say She is Near A Radio instead, because that’s interesting even if it’s not necessarily true. Try again.

Niira: I just met her.

K: I just met Near A Radio. See? Isn’t that neat? Again, go again.

Niira: And some Tamil Nadu Congress guys also want just now to meet her.

K: Some Tamil Nadu Congress guys also want just now to meet Near A Radio. I think you’re getting the hang of this. Keep practicing and you can get PhD in this or something also.

Niira: I don’t think it needs to be done at that level. It needs to be done at, at Ghulam Nabi Azad level or…

K: Ok, PhD don’t want, you try for first rank in Ghulam Nabi Azad levels or whatever ranking systems they are having. Study hard and drink Complan. And don’t forget to change your last name to Radio.

Niira: Yeah.

K: I’m going to hang up now because I think my hand has fallen off or something because I can’t see it anymore. 

Conversations- The Yellow Leddies Coalition Committee Organization Meeting

S- The good news is that The Yellow Leddies Coalition Committee Organization meeting will be held as scheduled.

K- Yay alcohol!

S- Now about the alcohol,

K- Yay!

S- One of our Yellow Leddies just had jaundice, as you know.

K- Yes, she was a true Yellow Leddies.

S- So she can’t have any alcohol because she might die or something so it was thought that as a sign of solidarity, we would not have any alcohol at this Yellow Leddies Coalition Committee Organization meeting.

K- I don’t understand.

S- We’re not having any alcohol.

K- I don’t understand.

S- No alcohol. Thanni kadayaathu. Vellam illa. Any idea how to say in Telugu?

K- No. Although I believe that the Telugu word for beer is beeru.

S- So if we just put one –ulu on the Tamil version we should get Telugu version, no? Beeru kadayaathulu.

K- That sounds very Telugu to me.

S- Anyway, we must have some other form of entertainments instead of alcohol.

K- How about Uno?

S- You want to substitute alcohol with Uno?

K- Oh! How about an exotic dancer? I know one called SexehBewbies.

S- How does your brain go from Uno to exotic dancers called SexehBewbies?

K- SexehBewbies likes playing Uno.

S- Is that part of her act?

K- SexehBewbies is a dude.

S- Oh! Like a drag queen?

K- No, he’s a very generic kind of dude who likes to lift his shirt up and show off his bewbies when he’s dancing. So racist of you to assume all exotic dancers are women.

S- You think our Yellow Leddies would be appreciating exotic male dancer called SexehBewbies?

K- Probably not as much as the alcohol. But whattodo.

S- You ask and tell, ah?

K- He will say yes only. He is a very public fellow.

***

K- But I said you were exotic male dancer.

SexehBewbies- So?

K- Dancing to Dandanakka Sarruku is not exotic.

SexehBewbies- Well if you had been American it would be very exotic for your face.

K- But I’m not American. None of us are.

SexehBewbies- Right. But if you were.

K- But we’re not.

SexehBewbies- But if you were.

K- This is the best conversation ever.

SexehBewbies- There is just more scope for rhythmic shirt lifting with the Dandanakka Sarruku song. And I can wear my onenumber lungi also.

K- You only have onenumber lungi? Chee. A real Tamil man would have millions of lungis. Millions and millions and millions.

SexehBewbies- Yes but I make up for my lack of lungis by having a moustache that curls up at the ends. Slightly. Sometimes.

K- You mean one side sticks out and looks somewhat.

SexehBewbies- IT CURLS UP.

K- Ok.

SexehBewbies- IT DOES!

K- Hang on, one another call is coming.

***

S- One of our Yellow Leddies has sent me a message asking ‘Will he be exposing?’

K- Exposing what?

S- I don’t know.

K- Like investigative journalism exposing?

S- Hang on, I’ll ask.

***

S- Ok she said not exposing like investigative journalism. Exposing like exposing peanuts.

K- Exposing peanuts?

S- That’s what she texted, ‘Will he be exposing peanuts?’

K- I don’t know if he has any peanuts. Hang on, I’ll ask.

***

SexehBewbies- I guess I could buy some. What do you want me to do with them?

K- Maybe eat them in an exotic way? Like with a knife and fork or something? Or chopsticks?

SexehBewbies- Or I could throw them around I guess. In an exotic manner.

K- You could do that.

SexehBewbies- I better go get some and start practicing. I’ve never danced with peanuts before.

***

S- About that peanuts thing.

K- He’s just gone to get some.

S- Apparently the question was ‘will he be exposing penis’.

K- How did you manage to read ‘penis’ as ‘peanuts’?

S- Slight confusions happened because this Yellow Leddies likes to spell it ‘peanus’. Which is actually kinda neat.

K- It is!

S- So will he?

K- I don’t know. Lemme ask.

***

SexehBewbies- But I bought all these peanuts!

K- Does this mean no?

SexehBewbies- My house is filled with peanuts! What am I going to do with all these fucking peanuts?!

K- I can understand if you want to say no if maybe the shy is coming for you.

SexehBewbies- I can’t find my fucking bathroom chappals because they’re somewhere under all these fucking bags of fucking peanuts!

K- Ok, Imma just tell them no because I have a feeling this means no.

***

K- Are you guys sure you don’t want peanuts instead? Because peanuts can totally happen right now. Peanuts abundance is happening.

S- Here’s the thing. A number of Yellow Leddies are saying forget exotic male dancer and just do alcohol for the meeting.

K- What about solidarity for jaundicecase?

S- Solidarity and all don’t want.

K- But SexehBewbies bought all these peanuts.

S- How much? So much?

K- SO much.

S- Ok, hang on.

***

K- So the bad news is that you can’t show us your penis. Which must pain you greatly because I know dudes like doing that kind of thing all the time.

SexehBewbies- We do. It’s a wonder we keep our pants on at all.

K- The good news is that The Yellow Leddies Coalition Committee Organization has agreed to buy all those peanuts from you so we can eat them at the meeting as sidedish for alcohol maindish.

SexehBewbies- No solidarity for the jaundicecase then?

K- Solidarity don’t want. Also the jaundicecase can’t come so it doesn't make any sense to be solidarity for someone who isn’t going to be there anyway.

SexehBewbies- Especially if you weren’t going to be solidarity in the first place.

K- Exactly. And it has been decided that you will be invited and made an honorary Yellow Leddies.

SexehBewbies- I am truly honored, humbled and squee. Am I the phust dude to ever be elected a Yellow Leddie everever?

K- Actually no. We are having a number of Yellow Leddies Gents Fellows. I think you may be the phust gents fellow called SexehBewbies to ever be elected a Yellow Leddie though.

SexehBewbies- Oh is it? Then you should give me an award, no?

K- We’ll give you some peanuts.

Conversations- The Conversation Terrorist

S- You’re kidding, right?

The Conversation Terrorist- You don’t want to talk to me. I can tell.

S- How can you say that?? I’ve been talking to you for the past 6 hours when there was nothing to talk about in the first place.

The Conversation Terrorist- You never want to talk to me. You talk to everyone else but you never talk to me.

S- It's humanly impossible for this conversation to go on. If we keep going, someone will go crazy and start eating their own face. And by someone I mean me.

The Conversation Terrorist- See? You don’t want to talk to me.


14 hours later.

The Conversation Terrorist- So. Tell me something.

S- I can’t feel my ears. Also, I feel like killing myself. Repeatedly.

The Conversation Terrorist- You’re acting like you don’t want to talk to me.


3 days later.

S- I need to go to the bathroom.

The Conversation Terrorist- You can take your phone into the bathroom, no? Unless you don’t want to talk to me.

S- No no. You’re right. I’ve always wanted you to hear me pee.

The Conversation Terrorist- Don’t drop the phone down the toilet. If you do, I’ll think you don’t want to talk to me.


5 days later.

The Conversation Terrorist- I think you don’t want to talk to me.

S- Sorry, I fell asleep.

The Conversation Terrorist- Because you don’t want to talk to me.

S- One day, possibly very soon, I will die. Who will you talk to then?

The Conversation Terrorist- No idea. You have any suggestions?



The next day

K- OHAI!!!

The Conversation Terrorist- It’s 3 in the morning.

K- Why didn’t you call me?

The Conversation Terrorist- It’s 3 in the morning.

K- Is it? I don’t have any clocks in my house.

The Conversation Terrorist- Why not?

K- I don’t believe in time. I think it’s a CIA plot.

The Conversation Terrorist- My father thinks the CIA are the ones causing all the problems at the CWG.

K- Your father sounds like a great man. Actually why I called you means...

8 seconds later

The Conversation Terrorist- Hello?

K- Yes?

The Conversation Terrorist- Why aren’t you saying anything? Why you called means?

K- Oh right! Why I called means I wanted to warn you about what happens sometimes when people call me.

The Conversation Terrorist- You put your phone in the mixie.

K- I only did that once. What happens is sometimes people call me and all their major internal organs just spontaneously fall out of their body. Has that ever happened to you?

The Conversation Terrorist- Why do you say such things? I think maybe a lot of people find it very irritating when you say things like this. Especially when you call at 3 in the morning.

K- I think maybe a lot of people can go fuck themselves.

The Conversation Terrorist- I think you only use such language because you really don’t want to talk to me.

K- Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

The Conversation Terrorist- See?

K- Fuckity Fuckity fuckfuckfuck.

The Conversation Terrorist- I know you don’t want to talk to me but- Hello?


16 seconds later.

K- I hung up on you.

The Conversation Terrorist- I thought it got cut.

K- No, I hung up on you because I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.

The Conversation Terrorist- Ok, be serious now. Tell me what you’re doing.

K- I heard you do a lot of drugs, is this true?

The Conversation Terrorist- Chee, I never do such things.

K- Do you eat fetuses?

The Conversation Terrorist- What?

K- You must never eat a fetus. You must also never shake your uterus. If you don’t have a uterus, you must never go and shake someone else’s uterus.

The Conversation Terrorist- Did you say ‘eat a fetus’?

K- Do you take Crocin?

The Conversation Terrorist- Sometimes if I have headache I-

K- That means you do drugs. You’re a crack whore.

The Conversation Terrorist- Why won’t you be serious and just tell me what you’re doing.

K- I’m talking on the phone with a crack whore.

The Conversation Terrorist- I’m not a- hello? Hello?


20 seconds later.

K- I hung up again. I think maybe you don’t want to talk to me because you’re a crack whore. Is this true?

The Conversation Terrorist- I think maybe-

K- I heard that all your ancestors had non-consensual sex with dead trees. Is this true? I won’t judge you but I do want to say that consensual sex is always the best kind of sex. You may want to share that with your people.

The Conversation Terrorist- Are you saying bad things about my family?

K- I feel like you don’t really want to talk to me but you're pretending to because you want to have non-consensual sex with the dead trees of my own ancestral properties. I feel used.

The Conversation Terrorist- I -

K- My ancestral property trees are not dead yet! I don’t have any ancestral property trees! YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!

The Conversation Terrorist- Ok, this is-

K- WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME?

The Conversation Terrorist- I really don’t-

K- WHY?

The Conversation Terrorist- I -

K- WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? Hello? Lisa? Have you ever considered changing your name to Lisa? Hello?

*****

S- I regret to inform you that The Conversation Terrorist’s number seems to have changed.

K- Oh.

S- Someone said they’re hiding in Greenland but it’s all just speculation at this point.

K- You think they’re hiding because they don’t want to talk to me?

S- Yes.

K- Do you want to talk to me?

S- No.

K- I’ll just go talk to myself then.

S- I think that would be best for everyone involved.

Contest Results and also Conversations- PhoneStalking.

Phustly, we have the results of the Kumari Loves A Monster Come On Repeatty Repeatty Contest. Here’s what the judges had to say about the entries in general.

This has been very very tough. All the entries have been yenna maadri cannot tell! Justin Beiber's in the well. Are you in the same well too? Laddos comma Raj Bhog just for you!

Greatest fun to read and re-read and re-read all entries. Thanks very much for contributing and participating.

Rashmi and Shyam

And now we all say the very many CongratulationGreetings to the winner of the Kumari Loves A Monster Come On Repeatty Repeatty Contest, Radhika Venkatarayan who sent in the awesome entry you see below.


And here is what the judges had to say about this so much winning entry.

WAH! Please if you are doing more like this we would like to see and say WAH! again

The illustrious Radhika Venkatarayan will receive a signed copy of Kumari Loves A Monster which we all agree is way better than ponies, but maybe not better than very small ponies that could fit in the palm of your hand because that would be really cool to have a pony like that. Also, CongratulationGreetings to Malarvizhi Jayanth and Pavithra Srinivasan who are the runner-ups. Runners-up. Runners-ups. Whatever. These two other people also sent in neat entries which the judges were so much appreciating also and we are posting here so all can appreciating also.


Malarvizhi Jayanth’s Entry

Kumari was waiting at the Vaanavil busstop for an uncrowded 23C because she wanted to go to the Museum and put scary pose in front of the dinosaur like Rashmi and Shyam and was also reading Zero Degree in Tamil because only annoying I'm-Tamil-but-I-can't-read-Tamil people will be reading the English translation that was published by Blaft and was feeling like her brains were being made into kothu parotta by Charu Niveditha. Trying to unscramble her brain, she looked around. And saw the monster next to her. He was reading Moonward and chuckling and weeping by turns. "Is that a good book?" she asked him.

Judge’s Comments

As they say in the cine Industry- 'Inna oru suspense knot kondavandhu irukkinga kadhaikku ulla!'

(k's sloppy and possibly wholly incorrect translation- one more suspense knot you have brought inside the story)


Pavithra Srinivasan’s Entry

Kumari is a sad, sad person. Facebook has bouquets and pigs. Twitter is full of precious birdies. Her husband watches mega-serials like “Where is My Pondatti?’ and weeps. Her mother-in-law gifts her coffee vadikattis. Her neighbour pays her current bill. Her children always get first rank in school.

“Where are the monsters?” Kumari rages. Not on the roads. Not at home. Not in her dreams. Desperate, Kumari googles for monsters. So many choices! So delightfully gory!

She slurps as she gazes fondly at Jabba the Hut. He winks. “Oh my darling fat one,” she coos.” And starts writing fan-fiction.

Judge’s Comments

I wish I also came first in class at least once :( Jabba the Hut and Kumari ?! - quick get me George on the phone! "Hello Lucasfilm's office aa? Vanakam Chennaiyilirundhu pesuren, George Sir kitta konjam naan pesalaama?")

(k's sloppy and possibly wholly incorrect translation- Hello is it Lucasfilm’s office? Ohai! From Chennai I am speaking. Can little myself speak to Sir George?)


I also want to say that I am honestly sohappy that this contest got more than zero entries because I was thinking that maybe no one would enter. It is interesting to note that some other peepals of my acquaintance also had similar feelings about this contest. So I want to say, from the bottom of my pancreas, thank you thank you thank you to those who took the time to create something and enter this contest. I hope you all find your monsters.


Also, the illustrious Koala lover and writer Alec Patric interviewed me at Verity La. I like this interview verymuch. I feel moar interviewers should ask questions like Alec Patric because then the interview will be moar funner and better for everyone.


Also, Dina Martina’s Medical College Commercial is so awesome it makes me want to join medical college.


Also, I like M.I.A’s song Teqkilla very much and very much better than XXXO, which I actually didn’t like at all because it reminded me of being stuck in one of those rickety private buses that are plastered with dark velvet upholstery and mirrors and posters that say ‘female is most deadly of all species’ and it smells like phenol and cheap perfume but mostly like phenol. While Teqkilla thankfully did not invoke any of that for me, it did cause slight nausea and disorientation when I listened to it on loop but maybe atonal compositions can sometimes have that affect.


Also, there will be no blog post on coming Saturday so don’t do drugs unless you’re really good at them.

okbai.


*****


K- I’m not phonestalking you.

S- Calling me eight million times a day and putting on the MunniBadnaamSong is phone stalking. It’s Bollywood terrorism.

K- Why do you think it’s me? Who would do something creepy and weird like that?

S- YOU would.

K- I don’t understand why you keep saying this.

S- Because the calls come from your phone and I can hear you singing in the background.

K- Oh.

S- You are phonestalker phail.

K- I’d really love to ask a white person what they think of that song. Do you know any white people?

S- Let me guess. You’re going to say ‘Ohai White People! Listen to this song and kindly give me the feedbacks. I am from India.’

K- Yes. Or maybe I could find some white people on the internet.

S- I think you should do this. You should hang up and go find white people on the internet and not talk on the phone.

K- Ok, imma go find some.

S- By the by,

K- Yes, what man? Come on, tell fastly.

S- By the by, if you phonestalk me again with that song I will come over there and shove your phone up your nose.

K- Ew.

S- Seriously.

K- Ok.

***

K- I can’t find any white people on the internet! I Googled ‘where can I find white people’ and it was phail.

S- I can’t believe that didn’t work.

K- I KNOW! The internet must be broken. I also Googled the English translation for MunniBadnaamSong. Did you know that Munni Badnaam Hui means ‘Munni goes infamous’?

S- Is that the right translation?

K- It was on the internet so it must be true. Munni goes infamous.

S- Is that like going hungry? Is the song about famine?

K- Could be. Or it could mean she is becoming criminals.

S- Like Bandit Queen.

K- I actually thought the song was about almonds. Doesn’t ‘badnaam’ mean almond?

S- I think that’s ‘badaam’.

K- That’s not the same thing?

S- Apparently not.

K- Why not? Sounds same only. Munni Badaam hui. Munni Badnaam Hui. See? Same only.

S- Ok, we’re going to end this conversation right now.

K- Maybe ‘badnaam’ is a bad almond. Maybe the song is about food adulteration.

S- Either we end this conversation now or the phone becomes lodged within your nasal passages with great force and violence.

K- You’re really mean. And I didn’t even put the song on also.

S- Hang up now. For your own good only I am saying.

K- By the by,

S- Shut up your face and hang up.

K- By the by,

S- I’m not kidding.

K- Ok.

***

S- Did someone die? Because I can’t think of any other justifiable reason for you to be calling me at this time unless someone is dead or the Americans have finally invaded our one number country.

K- I want to know something. In the MunniBadnaamSong,

S- You have got to be kidding me.

K- There’s this line that apparently means ‘Became cinema hall for you darling’.

S- YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!

K- I’m curious to know if that is a sexual metaphor or is it symbolic of the fascination that our country has for the cinema combined with the objectification of Woman or is it a reflection of the fatalistic outlook of the common man?

S- Why don’t you go fuck yourself?

K- Does that mean you don’t know?

S- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??

K- You can just say you don’t know if you don’t know. I won’t judge you.

S- I’m going to give you three seconds to hang up. If you don’t, your cell phone is going to go places it has never gone before.

K- You are a shameful shame. You don’t know anything about the item numbers in the Mother Tongue of yours one number country. You have no sense of Indian culture and value. I bet you are a woman also. By the by.

S- Oh hell no.

K- By the by,

S- WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??

K- By the by,

S- WHAT?!?

K- By the by. There’s also this line that goes ‘Hai jama ishq da ishq da parcha re’, only he doesn’t say ‘ishq’, he says ‘isk’. Like you know how some people say deospray is iskisk? ‘Why you smell so bad?’ ‘Oh I forgot to do iskisk today’ Like that he says. I don’t think he means deospray though.

S- I’m hanging up now.

K- Why?

S- Because I am going to come over there and shove your phone up your nose and set you on fire.

K- What fire? You never said anything about fire. If you come over here, I’ll cry. I’ll cry and snot will come out of my nose and it will be really gross for you. Hello? Wow. Munni fullviolence hui. God, I love that song.

Conversations- The Green Volvo

S- Oh my God!

K- I know!

S- She totally hated your fracking guts!

K- I know!

S- She kept telling everyone in college you had AIDS. And everyone believed her because you had an accent so naturally that meant you probably had AIDS too!

K- I know!

S- Why she is calling you? What does it mean when people who hate you that much call you? Should you be scared? I think you should be scared.

K- Well as far as I can tell, she found out that I have no job and no husband and that made her so exceedingly happy she just HAD to get my number and call me up and tell me about how she heard I have no job and no husband.

S- Ah. Many people call me for the same reasons. It seems to make them very happy.

K- Anyway, I figured this was a good time to ask her why she hated me so much. Considering she didn't even know me.

S- What did she say?

K- She said, and I quote, "Well basically it was because you were so arrogant" So I asked her what I had done that was so arrogant. And she said well basically you walked with a very arrogant manner.

S- Wow.

K- Then we had a very strange conversation because she started talking about her Volvo.

S- So?

K- Well she pronounced Volvo in a very…interesting way.

S- Did it sound like she was saying ‘chiropractor’?

K- No.

S- Arachnophobia?

K- It sounded like she was saying ‘vulva’.

S- Wow. And also, yes I can see that happening.

K- You can imagine my confusion when she informed me that it was a nice dark green and she was really excited about the upholstery and sound system.

S- Yes. That would definitely be confusing.

K- So I tried to clarify this, because I am stupid. And then we had this very tedious back and forth that went ‘I thought you said vulva!’ ‘Volvo only I said’. ‘Vulva. Not Volvo’. ‘Volvo only’. ‘Vulva! Vulva!’. ‘Yeah, Volvo. That’s what I said.’ So I decided to make things worse by spelling it out for her.

S- And?

K- And she said there was no need to say such obscene and arrogant words to her and I was obviously jealous of her Volvo.

S- Did she mean her car or-

K- I thought it better not to clarify that.

S- And also, vulva is an obscene and arrogant word? Really?

K- She says it is. So it must be true.

S- What about ‘elbow’, is that obscene and arrogant too?

K- Not sure. It might be if it’s a woman’s elbow.

S- Uterus?

K- Oh definitely. That’s definitely obscene and arrogant.

S- Worse than fallopian tube?

K- Way worse.

S- This is very confusing. How are we supposed to know what words are obscene and arrogant? Is there a guidebook or something?

K- There should be, no? Anyway, so she got really pissed off at me for being obscene and arrogant to her, although she was very pleased at my Volvo- envy. And before she hung up on me she said I was a gay also.

S- What’s a gay also?

K- I don’t know. I think it's those hammocks that hip and wealthy Indians use in the summertime.

S- Oh how nice! I’ve seen gay alsos in ads for insurance and whitening creams!

K- Yeah. Not sure why she called me that though.

S- Maybe she called you something that just sounded like ‘gay also’. Like chiropractor.

K- Right.

S- Or arachnophobia.

K- Yes.

S- I’m never buying a Volvo. Ever. There’s just too much drama attached to the word now.

K- I’m never saying that word ever. I will just say foreign carcar like everyone else.




And now, an edited version of something that was originally about Gandhi Jayanthi but it works just as well for forthcoming Independence Day. Advance Vazhga Bharathams and Jai Hinds homibabaterroristpeepals.


Things We Can Do To Make the Occasion of Independence Day Moar Better


Refrain from making statements like ‘India was better off when the British were here’

I understand but am flabbergasted nonetheless that this is a popular school of thought with many people, particularly those who lament the loss of ‘clean roads, people who spoke proper English and Yardley’. And while you are of course free to believe this, why not keep it inside your head, just for one day. Also, if you are so nostalgic for those milk and honey days of English rule, you might look into moving to the UK. The BNP in particular will be oh so glad you came.


Refrain from pretending that you don’t know what Independence Day is because you totally don't live here, like really.

This is particularly mystifying behavior to see among people who have spent all their lives in India. Just fyi, blinking and saying ‘Oh! And what do you Indians do on Independence Day?’ will not make people turn to you and say, oh! You must be from America or London. This behavior is not only very weird, it is sad and it embarrasses everyone more than elevetyhundred PutOn accents. Stop hating yourself. You are fabulous. Indian Independence is fabulous. You and Indian Independence are fabulously fabulous.


Refrain from Using This Day to Launch Assorted Acts of Violence

Let’s avoid using August 15th as a day for sending rallying calls to bomb Pakistan, China, Bangladesh, America, Europe, Saudi Arabia, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Christians, Muslims, Hindus, atheists, homosexuals, heterosexuals, asexuals, rich people, poor people, educated people, illiterate people, upper caste people, low caste people, mixed caste people, no caste people, yes caste people, Westernized people, Easternized people, tourists, sex workers, people who visit sex workers, people who don’t visit sex workers, poets, people who hate poets, people who love poets, people who pretend to be poets, people who don't pretend to be poets, artists, con artists, street artists, nonartists, Bollywood, Tollywood, Kollywood, communists, doctors, dentists, actors, lawyers, women, children, men. Seriously, I don’t think Indian Independence was ever supposed to be about bombing any of these peeps or any other kinds of peeps. Ever.

Also, you know how sometimes we do that thing where other people come to our country and tell us what a fuckup this country is and how we should listen to them because they are here on vaycay and obviously know exactly how to make everything in India moar better? And sometimes our own one number countrypeople will say we should listen to these othercountry people because they know everything and we just live here and don’t know anything? You know how we sometimes do that?

Let’s not do that. Just for one day. Let’s consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, Indians living in India might have a good idea of what’s going on here and how to make things moar better for us. So when someone says ‘your country is a fuckup and you should listen to me so you guys can make everything moar better’, let them do talkingtalking, then ask them for foreign fundage for funding these awesome India-improving steps. Then take the foreign fundage and go enjai like anything. I think that would be a fun way to spend Independence Day.


okbai.

Conversations- okbai.

Before getting into the Conversations, just wanted to say that this is my last column with The New Indian Express. We are unfortunately no longer a couple but we remain the best of friends and hope the media will respect our privacy at this difficult time. I may continue the Conversations here on the blog and use more bad werds in them but it will probably be way more sporadic or they may die away completely and give rise to other new and exciting things. Who can say? And now, at the risk of sounding like an Academy Award acceptance speech, I want to thank all peepals who read the column and told me what they thought of it, even if they thought it was all a bleddynahnsense. Special shout-out to those who took the time to comment on the column on this blog, you are all awesome terrorist peepals and I am appreciating you like I appreciate this elephant jumping on trampoline.




okbai.


***


K- You're talking about the underwear, right?

S- What?

K- Hipster. You're talking about the underwear, yes?

S- No.

K- Really? Wow.

S- I'm scared to ask what you thought that whole 'hipster racism' conversation was about.

K- It wasn't about racist underwear?

S- No, the hipsters I was talking about are a kind of American. Or they're mostly American. Or something. I'm not really sure what they are.

K- You talk about Americans way too much. I bet Americans don't talk about you half as much as you talk about them.

S- I can't help it, I'm Indian. I love talking about how cultureless and depraved America is but I will sell my children for the chance to go there and work in a convenience store.

K- India clearly needs more convenience stores.

S- Anyway, I want to know about these hipster people. Because apparently, they say racist things but they say those things because they're NOT racist. Isn't that interesting?

K- Not as interesting as replacing the word 'racist' with 'slow jogger'. Let's do that!

S- I mean, how are we supposed to know these hipsters are not racists?

K- 'I mean, how are we supposed to know these hipsters are not slow joggers?' Hey, that's neat!

S- Maybe they have some kind of special ID.

K- Who cares? We live in India! Who cares about slow jogger underwear Americans?

S- But what if one of them came here?

K- They'll get loose motion and go home.

S- Oh my God.

K- What?

S- I just remembered this show I saw where they described a dance as having very loose motion.

K- Oh my God.

S- I know! I couldn't watch the rest because 'loose motion' seemed to be a very popular way of describing this particular form of dance. Anyway, I'm going to go figure out this hipster racism thing.

K- Please do. American hipster racism is such a flabbergastingly serious problem in India.

***

S- Maybe you can't appreciate the awesomeidiosyncrasy of American hipster racism because you're Indian. Let me Indianize it for you.

K- Let me guess. You're going to neatly replace 'racism' with 'casteism'. Because racism and casteism are EXACTLY the same.

S- Yes.

K- Are you on drugs? Seriously, are you?

S- Look, what would you do if an American hipster came here and said something racist to you and you retaliated because you didn't know that person was actually not racist?

K- I wouldn't retaliate at all. I'd shake them down for money.

S- What?

K- Seriously, I do that to all the foreigners I meet.

S- Even the NRIs?

K- Especially the NRIs.

S- Let me guess. You sell them those yellow cloth bags for twelvtythousand rupees.

K- That's so Old Skool. I sell them pieces of extremely low quality paper and say it's handmade by Indian slum children who have no hands.

S- That is so wrong.

K- It really is, considering that the paper actually comes from cheapud half-quire note.

S- The low quality paper probably makes it more authentically Indian.

K- One time I told this guy that I had sold my kidney and needed money to buy it back. I even showed him a scar.

S- Oh, that's good.

K- Yeah, that was awesome because the scar was actually on my arm. But it all worked out in the end.

S- I think being mean to foreigners and NRIs is racist.

K- I think being mean to foreigners and NRIs is a slow jogger!

S- These conversations are racist.

K- These conversations are a slow jogger!

S- I think I should go.

K- Are you coming back?

S- No. Are you?

K- No.

S- okbai.

K- okbai.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, July 31, 2010

Conversations: The Un-Understanding List

In what appears to have become a regular feature with the realworld newspaper edition of the Conversations column, I bring you another episode of the Fortnightly Fuckup! Last time, a mysterious blurb about Techworld magically infiltrated my column and planted itself there like a tumor of strange words. This week, apparently more than half the printed copies of my column have gone out with Sridala Swami's respected name and logo attached to it. What exciting things will happen to the next installment of the column? Perhaps they will insert the word 'aloo' at random intervals. Perhaps they will replace the entire text with the lyrics of 'The Cheeky Girls Song' printed in reverse. Perhaps we should have a contest to see who can guess what will happen to the next column!

Anyhoo, just want to say that contrary to popular opinion propagated by numerous copies of The New Indian Express, Sridala Swami did not write the Conversations column this week. I can only pray that people will not think badly of her on seeing her name attached to a column that is of such questionable repute that questionable things keep happening to it.

okbai.

***

S- Why an un-understanding list?

K- To keep track of all the things I don't understand.

S- Like?

K- Like I don't understand why I keep drinking Rooh Afza.

S- Eh?

K- If there's one drink I can't stand it's Rooh Afza. But then I'll go to someone's house, they'll offer me a glass and I just can't say no. I don't understand, is there some kind of Rooh Afza mind control happening?

S- The red color has hypnotizingmesmerizing effect on you.

K- For some reason I think, ok this is DEFINITELY going to taste like strawberries and happiness. Then I taste it and I feel cheated and sad.

S- You need to keep a Post-it with you that says 'Do not drink Rooh Afza. You will feel cheated and sad'. Next.

K- I don't understand why there's no market for my movie GhettoDawg BlingBling.

S- What's it about?

K- Poor white American children overcome their poverty and repair the hole in the ozone layer through disco dancing. I was hoping to promote it by adopting a lot of poor white American children.

S- Where were you planning on keeping them?

K- I don't want to keep them, I just want to adopt them.

S- I think if you adopt poor white American children, you have to keep them.

K- ALL of them?

S- Yes.

K- But India is already overpopulated. And I only have one room.

S- Maybe you can leave them in America and go see them on weekends.

K- Good idea. Also, I don't understand why we're having so much trouble bringing Warren Anderson back. Is he hiding? Should we use Google Earth to find him?

S- Can't help you there, sorry. Next.

K- Why does everyone say that when it comes to Warren Anderson?

S- Next.

K- I don't understand why some people keep screaming 'I HATE INTER-CASTE MARRIAGE!!!' at me. What do they want me to do?

S- They want you to scream along with them.

K- Here's what I think. If you don't like inter-caste marriage, then don't have an inter-caste marriage. You will be happier and you won't feel the need to keep screaming at people.

S- You're missing the point. They like screaming 'I HATE INTER-CASTE MARRIAGE!!!' at people. Next.

K- I don't understand why 'Summer of '69' was such a popular song in my country.

S- Neither do I. That and 'Hotel California'.

K- I used to really like those songs but they've been so overplayed that I'd rather remove my medulla oblongata with a blunt pencil than listen to them again.

S- It's a CIA plot.

K- Really?

S- No but that's a handy explanation for anything you can't understand or don't want to understand. For example, I believe that integral calculus is a CIA plot.

K- Is this why people say feminism and homosexuality are CIA plots?

S-Precisely. Why can't you get a job? CIA plot. Why does everyone hate you? CIA plot.

K- That's so awesome.

S- I love CIA plots. Next.

K- Why don't we call honour killings 'murder'?

S- Because the honour makes it notmurder even though someone gets murdered in the process.

K- But where exactly is the honour?

S- No idea. Maybe you should ask the 'I HATE INTERCASTE MARRIAGE!!!' people. How many more un-understandings are on your list?

K- 865,712.

S- Ok, I have to go now because I promised an old lady I'd help her watch television.

K- What about my list?

S- I don't think she should see your list. She's very old.

K- I don't understand how you can help someone watch television.

S- You should put that down on your list then.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, July 17, 2010

Conversations- The DevelopMentalization of the Inner YouYou

Before getting into the Conversations, I wanted to say,

1. In some realworld newspaper copies of my column, there appears a mysterious blurb for Techworld. I don't know what Techworld is but apparently it's connected to Techie Land. I don't know what that is either. Techworld simply wants to leverage technology to better lives. It wants this so bad that it says this twice. I just wanted to make it very clear to the four people who read my column that I don't work for, endorse or advocate Techworld because they haven't given me any awesome free stuff. It is also my belief that Techworld cannot help you DevelopMentalize your Inner YouYou although the blurb kind of gives one the impression that it can.

2. And now, I CAN HAZ INSECKS BUK Appreciation Time! I would like to say thanks very much ya to Manasi Subramaniam for this pitchur.


Manasi is very happy and holding my book very effectively at the same time. Some may think, well maybe there's a person on the other side of the camera saying 'SMILE OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!' While we cannot deny this as a possibility, the fact remains that Manasi is smiling and holding my book. You can do the same! Yes! You too can hold my book and smile and be happy! How, you ask? Sorry, no. I will not shamelessly pimp my book in this post. I just won't.

3. The Madras Terrace House is closing and I haz a sad because that's where I had my book launch but back in those days, it was called The Madras Terrance House. But you can haz a happy because like a zombie, it will be resurrected elsewhere and also, if you live in Chennai you can go there now because they have, and I quote, "Garments at a 50% discount, home accessories, books, scarves, jewelery, slippers and bags at a 20% discount!"

4. The Dude's dancing has added levels awesome if you watch it while listening to the song Speaker Baje.



suhpeekur baje suhpeekur. suhpeekur baje suhpeekur.

okbai.

*****

K- I need to make some money.

S- And getting a job like normal people would be-

K- Too much work. Starting a spiritual movement means I just have to smile and say things that don't make sense and I will get lots of money.

S- Isn't that what politicians do?

K- Hopefully my spiritual movement will lead to a lucrative career in politics later on.

S- So what exactly does your spiritual movement do?

K- It will turn you into a whole new person.

S- Who?

K- What do you mean, who?

S- Who will it turn me into?

K- Nobody, you'll still be you. But you'll be a better you.

S- I will be a YouYou.

K- Precisely. DevelopMentalizing the Inner YouYou is all about understanding That and only That which is not everything and not nothing. But it is something.

S- You're doing that 'saying things that don't make sense' thing, right?

K- DevelopMentalizing the Inner YouYou is an investment in the future of tomorrow today for tomorrows of the future.

S- Why do I feel like you're trying to sell me insurance?

K- Eh?

S- Well I never understand what insurance people are saying either.

K- Don't afraid. All will be clear once you DevelopMentalize your Inner YouYou. You will have increased mental capacitization, lifelong lifefulness and everyone will like you.

S- Your spiritual movement sounds like those sidey ads. You know, the ones that say 'for curing gas firstnight marriage piles so many treatment NRIgovernmentofficer sucessful'.

K- You want testimonials? I have testimonials.

S- You do?

K- Yes. I'll call you back.


***

S- That was fast.

K- Testimonial # 1. I DevelopMentalized my Inner YouYou and now I am awesome. Other people think I am awesome also.

S- Who is this person?

K- Lakshmi.

S- Lakshmi who?

K- B. Lakshmi.

S- I think you made that testimonial up.

K- Why?

S- Because it's stupid.

K- Ok, Testimonial #2. I DevelopMentalized my Inner YouYou and I have dissolved my ego and learned to love myself. I have also discovered that I can fly.

S- Wow. And who is this from?

K- Lakshmi.

S- This is not B. Lakshmi.

K- No, this is another Lakshmi.

S- Another Lakshmi sounds like she's on drugs.

K- Ok, forget the testimonials. Let me demonstrate why you need to join my spiritual movement. How many of your life goals have you achieved so far?

S- I don't have any life goals.

K- Why?

S- I'm allergic.

K- You're allergic to life goals?

S- Yes.

K- Wow. Ok, well what about things that you reallyreally want?

S- I reallyreally want an elephant.

K- You don't want a car? Or an iPad? Or George Clooney?

S- I'd rather have the elephant. Can your spiritual movement get me an elephant?

K- No.

S- Bummer.

K- What about anguish, do you have any anguish? Depression? General angst and despair?

S- I have a sinus condition.

K- Wait! You don't have money!

S- This is so true.

K- DevelopMentalizing your Inner YouYou cures moneylessness!

S- Really?

K- But that's also why you can't join. We require a fee to DevelopMentalize your Inner YouYou. In fact, we require many fees to be paid over a very long period of time.

S- Your spiritual movement sounds like a loan. I'm not sure if that's better or worse than sounding like insurance.

K- Inner YouYous are expensive. Very high-maintenance spirituality.

S- So joining your spiritual movement could cure me of my moneylessness but I can't join because I don't have any money?

K- Exactly.

S- Your spiritual movement sucks.

K- Don't feel bad. People who don't have money don't have Inner YouYous either.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, July 3, 2010

Conversations- Great White Hope

S- I think she meant 'dusky'. Not 'desky'.

K- Oh.

S- 'Desky complexion' makes no sense. Especially if she was trying to sell you a whitening cream.

K- Yeah, I couldn't figure out if 'desky' was good or bad.

S- Did she say you were pretty BUT dusky? Or did she say you needed to buy whitening cream because if you didn't you would get face cancer and your head would fall off?

K- Not only did she accuse me of being pretty BUT dusky, she said the duskiness had apparently cancelled out the prettiness completely.

S- And the only way to make everything better was to buy eleventytwelvty million rupees worth of whitening cream?

K- Yes. It took her a while to make me understand that I was the most epicest terriblehorriblenogoodverybad human being ever because I was dark. I said, you mean I'm dark like I'm a Dark Lord? And she said no.

S- Aw, too bad.

K- She said being dark was not only bad for me, it was bad for people who had to look at me. My darkness was also preventing me from getting-job-finding-good-husband-leading-happy-awesome-life. I don't know if she meant that as separate things or as one very big thing.

S- I thought you couldn't get a job because you weren't looking for one.

K- That's what I thought too. But apparently I'm jobless because I'm dark. She also implied that my darkness was encouraging acts of global terrorism, killing the rainforests and making small children all around the world cry uncontrollably.

S- Wow. Maybe you really are a Dark Lord.

K- So I said, ok what can I do? I mean, I don't want my skin color to cause global terrorism and make trees commit suicide.

S- Yeah. That's some serious bad karma.

K- So she showed me this whitening cream that was like a kajillion rupees. And she said it was for lightening pigmentation, scrubbing off dead skin cells and I was like blah blah blah and she was like ma'am please listen and I was like blah blah blah.

S- Blah blah blah.

K- Then I realized what this whitening cream was actually going to do. It was going to turn me into a white person. An authentic, I-Love-All-Colored-People, Indian-Food-Gives-Me-Diarrhea white person.

S- Nowai.

K- For realz! This whitening cream would make my desky skin lighter and lighter until-

S- Until you became invisible?

K- Until my brown skin turned white. And a person with white skin is a white person.

S- I don't think it works that way if you were a brown person first.

K- Anyway, I had a feeling this whiteness could help me achieve the dream of every true and patriotic Indian.

S- You mean moving to America?

K- Yes! As a white person I would probably have a nicer time in places like Arizona.

S- Isn't Arizona in Brazil or something?

K- Eh?

S- Arizona? Big river with a bunch of trees? Named after a website that sells stuff?

K- That's the Amazon.

S- Ok. And that's something different that's not Arizona.

K- The Amazon is not Arizona.

S- Ok. The 'A's and 'Z's confused me.

K- Anyway, then I wanted to know if there were different kinds of whitening cream, like to become Russian-White or Italian-White. Then she didn't want to sell me whitening cream anymore and she wanted me to leave.

S- That's too bad.

K- I am doomed to be a Desky Dark Lord forever. Forests will die and children will become serial killers because of me.

S- Bummer you can't be white and go to America now.

K- Yeah. I really wanted to bring back Warren Anderson as a souvenir.


an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, June 19, 2010

Conversations- Health Drink Junkie Mutants

Before I get into the Conversations this week, I wanted to say, so let us think maybe like this it can happen, like maybe you buy this book and the plastic cover is hard to get off the book means what you do? You make a video of it, that's what you do! Add some cut-up 1930's recording of a reading by Bernard Shaw and a reversed Murcof song and boomboompow homibabas!

insects from beef cobbler on Vimeo.

It is true that my great love for this video clip may stem from the fact that my book features prominently in it. You should buy my book because each time someone buys a copy of my book, a kitten is born somewhere in the world and when it is born, it is smiling and having sweet thoughts of eviscerating unicorns. That is not a sweet thought. Forget I said that. Buy the book but forget I said that.

Anyway I am so glad that this very illustrious young man called Crispin Best made this video. If you are the enjoyment, you will probably also like his really neat blog which I really think is really neat. And if you go there, you can also download a chapbook of his called Men for freez (I just finished reading Men and I liked it very much). He also has other neat videos up on his vimeo page.

Stop Being Racist! Pay More Attention! Be More Alert! Do More Better!

okbai.


***

K- Guess how many. Just guess.

S- Minus 117.

K- Six. I snorted six different kinds of health drinks in my youth. I should go for health drink rehab or something, I feel like a junkie.

S- You know what's really sad? You were FORCED to be a health drink junkie! Those health drinks were FORCED on you as a child!

K- This is very true.

S- Mug after mug, day after day, rainy season, hot season, every single blessed day was scorched and cursed with hot, malty, vomit-in-the-mouth health drinks!

K- Clearly you have some health drink issues.

S- Clearly.

K- Well I have issues too. My first issue is that these health drinks did not do what they were supposed to. Correct me if I'm wrong but they were supposed to turn me into an awesome athlete, an awesome cricketer, an awesome scientist and an awesome Bharatanatyam dancer.

S- That's exactly what they were supposed to do.

K- And none of these things has happened. My awesome athletics career began and ended with Marchpast.

S- I didn't know Marchpast was considered athletics.

K- They kicked me out of Marchpast because I was not only making everyone march incorrectly, I also had the ability to bring team morale down to surprising lows.

S- I got kicked out because I thought it was 'March Fast' so I was like, isn't that like running? Apparently it wasn't.

K- Ok, so we both lost out in the Awesome Athletics Division. Awesome Cricketer Division?

S- Chee. Cricket is for boys.

K- Oh yes, I keep forgetting that. Many people don't know that the reason why women can't play cricket is because our long hair and love for the color pink disable our cricketing abilities.

S- Very true. I think that's why women can't do so many things. Long hair and love of pink things disables us.

K- So we are fail in the Awesome Cricketer Division but that's not because of the health drinks, it's because we are women and therefore disabled.

S- Correct.

K- Ok, next. Awesome Scientist Division. My excessive health drink habit failed to save me from falling asleep during every single science class I ever attended in my entire life. So while my sleeping skills developed at an extraordinary rate, the scientist in me quietly coughed and died.

S- I didn't take science group in school.

K- WOAH!

S- Yeah.

K- I can't believe you just said that! Do you realize what you just said?!? Why didn't you take science group, are you a terrorist? Is there something wrong with you?

S- Why is it that whenever I say I didn't take science group in school people act like I just told them I ate a fetus?

K- You are Awesome Scientist Fail.

S- Epic Fail.

K- Ok, that leaves the Awesome Bharatanatyam Division, which is something all Real Indian Women should excel at, no?

S- I used to sit beside a girl who used to do Bharatanatyam. She kept accusing me of staring at her which was really creepy because most of the time, I didn't even know she was there.

K- I'm really good at my own personal style of dancing which is like dappankoothu-creative modern dance- random deep shoulder movements. Bharatanatyam, no.

S- I wonder where all those years of health drink healthiness went. I hope it's not stockpiled inside us, ready to turn us into health drink junkie mutants.

K- If we turn into health drink junkie mutants, I think we will be just like the health drinks that created us.

S- Meaning we will be hot, malty and vomit-in-the-mouth?

K- Meaning we won't actually do anything. And we will be hot, malty and vomit-in-the-mouth also.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, June 5, 2010