1. In some realworld newspaper copies of my column, there appears a mysterious blurb for Techworld. I don't know what Techworld is but apparently it's connected to Techie Land. I don't know what that is either. Techworld simply wants to leverage technology to better lives. It wants this so bad that it says this twice. I just wanted to make it very clear to the four people who read my column that I don't work for, endorse or advocate Techworld because they haven't given me any awesome free stuff. It is also my belief that Techworld cannot help you DevelopMentalize your Inner YouYou although the blurb kind of gives one the impression that it can.
2. And now, I CAN HAZ INSECKS BUK Appreciation Time! I would like to say thanks very much ya to Manasi Subramaniam for this pitchur.
Manasi is very happy and holding my book very effectively at the same time. Some may think, well maybe there's a person on the other side of the camera saying 'SMILE OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!' While we cannot deny this as a possibility, the fact remains that Manasi is smiling and holding my book. You can do the same! Yes! You too can hold my book and smile and be happy! How, you ask? Sorry, no. I will not shamelessly pimp my book in this post. I just won't.
3. The Madras Terrace House is closing and I haz a sad because that's where I had my book launch but back in those days, it was called The Madras Terrance House. But you can haz a happy because like a zombie, it will be resurrected elsewhere and also, if you live in Chennai you can go there now because they have, and I quote, "Garments at a 50% discount, home accessories, books, scarves, jewelery, slippers and bags at a 20% discount!"
4. The Dude's dancing has added levels awesome if you watch it while listening to the song Speaker Baje.
suhpeekur baje suhpeekur. suhpeekur baje suhpeekur.
okbai.
*****
K- I need to make some money.
S- And getting a job like normal people would be-
K- Too much work. Starting a spiritual movement means I just have to smile and say things that don't make sense and I will get lots of money.
S- Isn't that what politicians do?
K- Hopefully my spiritual movement will lead to a lucrative career in politics later on.
S- So what exactly does your spiritual movement do?
K- It will turn you into a whole new person.
S- Who?
K- What do you mean, who?
S- Who will it turn me into?
K- Nobody, you'll still be you. But you'll be a better you.
S- I will be a YouYou.
K- Precisely. DevelopMentalizing the Inner YouYou is all about understanding That and only That which is not everything and not nothing. But it is something.
S- You're doing that 'saying things that don't make sense' thing, right?
K- DevelopMentalizing the Inner YouYou is an investment in the future of tomorrow today for tomorrows of the future.
S- Why do I feel like you're trying to sell me insurance?
K- Eh?
S- Well I never understand what insurance people are saying either.
K- Don't afraid. All will be clear once you DevelopMentalize your Inner YouYou. You will have increased mental capacitization, lifelong lifefulness and everyone will like you.
S- Your spiritual movement sounds like those sidey ads. You know, the ones that say 'for curing gas firstnight marriage piles so many treatment NRIgovernmentofficer sucessful'.
K- You want testimonials? I have testimonials.
S- You do?
K- Yes. I'll call you back.
***
S- That was fast.
K- Testimonial # 1. I DevelopMentalized my Inner YouYou and now I am awesome. Other people think I am awesome also.
S- Who is this person?
K- Lakshmi.
S- Lakshmi who?
K- B. Lakshmi.
S- I think you made that testimonial up.
K- Why?
S- Because it's stupid.
K- Ok, Testimonial #2. I DevelopMentalized my Inner YouYou and I have dissolved my ego and learned to love myself. I have also discovered that I can fly.
S- Wow. And who is this from?
K- Lakshmi.
S- This is not B. Lakshmi.
K- No, this is another Lakshmi.
S- Another Lakshmi sounds like she's on drugs.
K- Ok, forget the testimonials. Let me demonstrate why you need to join my spiritual movement. How many of your life goals have you achieved so far?
S- I don't have any life goals.
K- Why?
S- I'm allergic.
K- You're allergic to life goals?
S- Yes.
K- Wow. Ok, well what about things that you reallyreally want?
S- I reallyreally want an elephant.
K- You don't want a car? Or an iPad? Or George Clooney?
S- I'd rather have the elephant. Can your spiritual movement get me an elephant?
K- No.
S- Bummer.
K- What about anguish, do you have any anguish? Depression? General angst and despair?
S- I have a sinus condition.
K- Wait! You don't have money!
S- This is so true.
K- DevelopMentalizing your Inner YouYou cures moneylessness!
S- Really?
K- But that's also why you can't join. We require a fee to DevelopMentalize your Inner YouYou. In fact, we require many fees to be paid over a very long period of time.
S- Your spiritual movement sounds like a loan. I'm not sure if that's better or worse than sounding like insurance.
K- Inner YouYous are expensive. Very high-maintenance spirituality.
S- So joining your spiritual movement could cure me of my moneylessness but I can't join because I don't have any money?
K- Exactly.
S- Your spiritual movement sucks.
K- Don't feel bad. People who don't have money don't have Inner YouYous either.
an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, July 3, 2010
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