K- You know what I hate about Indian TV? There’s nothing to watch. Like, nothing.
S- Unless you’re still living in the socialist Doordarshan era, there’s about 900 channels to watch now.
K- There’s no Jersey Shore. I want to watch Jersey Shore.
S- Why?
K- There’s someone called Snooki on it and she got punched by some guy.
S- Snooki is a person?
K- Yeah, she’s Snooki. She got punched by some guy.
S- Well that’s always a big incentive to watch a TV show.
K- It’s not just that, Jersey Shore is about how real Jersey people live in the real Jersey. Where is Jersey anyway, is it in Chicago? Is it where mobsters come from?
S- It’s in Canada, right behind Alaska.
K- No way, really? Anyway, I just want to see what all the fuss is about with Snooki. And The Situation.
S- What situation?
K- The Situation is this guy but he’s not the guy that punched Snooki. The Situation used to be an exotic dancer which I think means he used to be a stripper.
S- This conversation is giving me a headache.
K- Snooki said she would change the world by installing a tanning bed in every home.
S- She would probably get wiped out by India’s Whitening Cream Mafia. They are super deadly.
K- Really?
S- The Whitening Cream Mafia is so super deadly they can make people glow like tube lights. They can also make people think that glowing like tube lights is a good and beautiful thing.
K- Are they going to kill us because we’ve been talking about tanning beds?
S- Probably.
K- I’ll talk to you later then.
***
K- Oh my God, I just had the weirdest dream!
S- Remember how we decided you wouldn’t tell me your dreams anymore because your subconscious is creepy?
K- I dreamed about Snooki! Only she looked like Sridevi from the Hawa Hawaii song and these Glowing Tubelight Whitening Cream Mafia Models were beating her up with tanning beds and shouting Snooki! Theerpu maathi sollu!
S- Eh?
K- I think that happened because I watched Nattamai before falling asleep. Anyway, then The Situation showed up only he looked like John Abraham and I said The Situation! Don’t just stand there, save The Snooki!
S- Nattamai! Theerpu maathi sollu!
K- And you know what he did? Dude starts taking off his clothes! I didn’t really mind that part of the dream actually. Anyway, then the Glowing Tubelight Whitening Cream Mafia Models liquidated HawaHawaiiSridevi and she turned into this plastic scented remote control protector with fluorescent green side strips.
S- I miss Hawa Hawaii Sridevi. I miss that Bollywood. What happened to it? Where did it go?
K- I know, right? Eye see you see something something Mombaasa ping pong.
S- You know what song I really miss? Tama Tama Loge.
K- Tu Premi.
S- A-ha!
K- Mein Premi.
S- A-ha!
K- Tu Raazi.
S- Ok, enough. Anyway, I hope this SnookiSridevi nightmare has cured your Jersey Shore obsession.
K- No way, I’m going to see if I can Torrent it. Hey, did I tell you I found this Jersey Shore Nickname generator online? Guess what my Jersey Shore name is. Guess guess.
S- The Stupid?
K- Pookie. Although I don’t think that name generator was designed for Indian names.
S- Wow, that’s racist.
K- Really?
S- Oh absolutely. Online nickname generators for American reality television shows that don’t cater to Indian names are definitely racist. You should complain.
K- I’m going to start a Facebook page on Racist Jersey Shore Nickname Generators.
S- You go girl! Make Snooki proud!
*
from The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, January 30, 2010
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