M.I.A Ruins Everything

What makes M.I.A so interesting? Is it because she is, according to Wikipedia, a "songwriter, record producer, singer, rapper, fashion designer, visual artist, and political activist"? Is it because her real name is Mathangi "Maya" Arulpragasam, a name we don't usually associate with international songwriter-record producer-singer-rapper-fashion designer-visual artist-political activists? No! The most interesting thing about M.I.A is that she often has a ruinous effect on people who have no idea what she does. I can totally relate to this because I was ruined by integral calculus and I have no idea what that does either. Is it absurd to be ruined by something you know nothing about? Of course not. What matters is that M.I.A just ruins everything. These are some of the most compelling arguments I have heard regarding the ruinous power of M.I.A.


M.I.A Ruins Everything Because She Shamelessly Sells Exotica So White People Will Like Her

There is a long-standing rule which states that if a colored person gets famous among white people, it's because they are shamelessly selling exotica. White people can never be accused of this because they apparently have no shame. A number of factors make M.I.A's brand of exotica-selling flabbergastingly shameless. For one thing, she has a bizarre English accent, which apparently is a 'put-on' to anger and confuse non-white people, particularly Indians who are unsure whether they should claim her as one of their Legion-of-Brown-People-Who-Do-Awesome-Things-In-Other-Countries-Which-Means-They-Are-Indian-Even-If-They-Say-They-Aren't. M.I.A also dresses like the Eighties and Nineties collectively vomited all over her. But perhaps worst of all, M.I.A is a woman and women in general ruin everything because they have uteruses and uteruses ruin everything.

It's only fair to point out that this kind of M.I.A ruination is not that exotic when you consider that pretty much everyone gets accused of selling exotica in this shamelessly shameless fashion. For instance, Indians who write in English apparently sell exotica even when they aren't writing anything. Their very existence is an ongoing exercise in exotica-selling shamelessness. So in this case, it's not just M.I.A. Almost everyone is ruining everything by shamelessly selling exotica. Everyone except white people.


M.I.A Ruins Everything Because She's Not Exotic Enough Despite Being So Exotic

Many people will agree that there is nothing more disappointing than a black person who does not do anything 'black', especially on TV. This is precisely how M.I.A ruins everything for people who desperately want her to do something exotic. For these people, no one else has more potential to be the Discovery Channel with a supercatchy beat than M.I.A. They have no qualms about using the words 'exotic princess' to describe her appearance. They were thrilled when she said something in her foreignnative languages at the beginning of her song 'Ten Dollar'. When describing the way she dresses, they like to mention 'African prints' as often as possible.

It is interesting to note that like the previously-mentioned ruined people, these people are also not happy that M.I.A talks like one of the chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins. I believe it would be in everyone's best interests if M.I.A started speaking Swedish, which is also exotic but in a very non-threatening way.


M.I.A Ruins Everything Because We Can't Tell If She's A Terrorist Or Just Pretending To Be One

It's important to remember that many people outside our corner of the world can't find Sri Lanka on a map and don't know what a Tamil is. So learning that those kitschy tigers on M.I.A's art and in her videos are like the ones used by some terrorist organization from way over there is a bit like looking at a conflict diamond. It's shiny but more importantly, it's dangerous, which is the best kind of shiny. In other words, it's really haut.

But after this initial hautness fades, we find that rather than take the time to explore and understand the actual conflict or issue behind the 'terrorist imagery' that M.I.A uses, it's usually a lot easier to just react to the word 'terrorist'. Which like the word 'racist' is one of those things that many people don't really understand but are scared of anyway. So you get two kinds of ruination here.

PC Ruination- M.I.A is a terrorist and terrorism ruins everything.

Non-PC or 'Edgy' Ruination- M.I.A is just pretending to be a terrorist and pretend terrorists ruin everything.


M.I.A Ruins Everything by Living in Brentwood When She Should Be Living In a Hole in the Ground in a Third World Country

You know how some people buy "African" wooden elephants from some store because they want to tell everyone they got these wooden elephants from Africa when they actually got them from some store? This is sort of what happens when you buy an artist's product not because you're interested in what they're selling, but because you want to appropriate whatever street cred you think that artist has. The risk factor here is that when you believe that street cred has disappeared, the African wooden elephants will suddenly cease to be African and you will feel cheated. Who is to blame? The store? The elephants? Africa? There are no clear answers. All we can say is that it's a real bummer to buy M.I.A paraphernalia as an investment in Third World street cred and then watch her do the most unThirdWorldly thing ever by moving to Brentwood, which is apparently where rich celebrity people like to live in the country of L.A. For some reason, M.I.A would rather live there than in a hole in the ground, which is where all rich and famous Third World people are supposed to live. In this instance, M.I.A ruins everything by being a Third World cheatercock who should be riding on crowded buses and hanging out with scruffy, native 'rebel' factions who like to street dance in their spare time while engaging in harmlessly anti-American behavior. She should not be living in Brentwood.

There is a very ancient proverb in my country that says street cred is like AmericanCallCenter accent. Once people get over the novelty of it, they will start making fun of it. That's not really a proverb in my country but the point is that the move to Brentwood has spawned some fine M.I.A parodies, my favorite so far being M.I.A-Paper Planes Brentwood Redux featuring Lindy Jamil Gomez. But seriously, does M.I.A's music suddenly sound really bad now that she lives in Brentwood? Did it sound 'edgier' when everyone thought it came out of a hole in the ground in Sri Lanka?

If I said I lived in a hole in the ground in a Third World country, would more people buy my book?

An edited version of this article appeared in Tehelka Magazine, Vol 7, Issue 35, Dated September 04, 2010

Stack Up Your Friends Like A Million Bucks And Other Things Also

Because I could not think of anything to blog about, I thought it would be the most splendid idea ever to post my Facebook 25 Random Things About Me List. I thought about this idea and I thought, wow, that is splendid. That is a splendid idea.

But first, I want to mention some other random things also.


1. This Article in Tehelka About Indian Readers And Indian Writers

“But reading contemporary Indian writers in English leaves you with a feeling that there remain stubborn layers of butter paper between their prose and the actual life they’re trying to describe. It is really a problem of foggy realism. They remain too mannered and fey to excite their verbal life with an original voice, to drive language hard, to mint indigenous metaphors, and provide little catharsis or pleasure to the reader. Aiming for vividness, they stop short at vivaciousness. Worse, the weaker ones sink into preciousness, petulance, grogginess.”

Word word word yes yes yes. Come on, Writers In India Who Write In English Who Live In India! Write More Better! Also, I want to say that I found Aseem Kaul’s blog post interesting because in the writing community I am familiar with, people tend to bend over their backsides, saying how the contributors, the editors, the editor’s mother and the very scent of the website’s html is so unbelievably awesome that it is nothing short of a major modern mystery that all this awesomeness hasn’t been nommed for all the prizes everywhere all the time. Nice to see some honesty and it was also nice that he said nice things about my story also.



2. Chillin By Lady Gaga. And Wale. This is one of the most frustrating songs I have heard in a very long time. Lady Gaga is the best thing this song has going for it but you have to sit through a lot of Wale in order to get to the Gaga. Which is hard because he keeps saying his name is Wale and after a while it’s like yes your name is Wale we get it you don’t have to keep saying it and yet you keep saying it like you did just now there you said it again. Liking the Bimbo Jones remix of this very much. I also like the line ‘stack up your friends like a million bucks’ though she may actually be saying ‘funds’ but I like to think it’s friends.



3. Words Without Borders had an issue on International Flash Fiction. Interesting to read, especially if you sometimes get the impression that flash fiction is American. Apparently it isn’t.



4. Do They Know It’s Hallowe’en has Narduwar the Human Serviette, Feist, Peaches, Beck and bits and pieces of Smoosh, Wolf Parade, that dog, Rilo Kiley and Sonic Youth all in the together to make a parody of that bodacious song Do They Know It’s Christmas which I love so very very much. I love it so much I wrote this about it.



5. Podcasts- I dig podcasts because I can’t read. Every time I try to read a book I fall asleep. This did not happen when I read graphic novels, possibly because they had pictures in them. I’m recommending the LibriVox series of podcasts with this cautionary note. These are works in the public domain and they are read by volunteers. So while there are lots of interesting podcasts up and they are all free, they are works in the public domain and they are read by volunteers. So I would recommend these podcasts if you can’t read or can’t get your hands on reading material in the public domain or can’t afford reading material in the public domain but for some reason you have an internet connection and you don’t mind bad reading sometimes and you don't mind bad stories sometimes.



6. Aada Varalaam - You can please aada varalaam (that is 'come and dance' for our non-Tamil-speaking-friends) to this song from the very awesome show Psychoville (from the same peeps that brought you the equally awesome League of Gentlemen). This is a song all everybodys can dance to because they are so much simple steps and even if you are sitting alone on chair or maybe you are with all so much of your friends enjoying like anything or maybe you are feeling very sad also and you feel like dancing you can do it also. Of course the dancing pair are mother and son but if you don't think of them as mother and son it's a lot less disturbing.



And now. 25 Random Things About Myself. Actually it's just 19 because this post is too long already.

1. I once convinced a friend that Mary Oliver was working in a local cottage industry unit which extracted salt from gravel.

2. I once listened to the Dard E Disco remix on loop for 4 hours.

3. In grade 9, I had a large argument with a number of my classmates who insisted that Kangaroo was pronounced Gungah-rooh. I now have no idea how to say that word so I never use 'Kangaroo' in spoken conversation.

4. While walking home after a flood, I noticed a fish flipflopping on the road and so I tossed it into a muddy puddle where I watched it squirm even more because it was probably a very hot muddy puddle and there is a good chance that said fish boiled to death because of my selfless act of heroism.

5. When traveling by train to Chennai, I watched two old Brahmin ladies discuss religion with two Muslim men and instead of basking in the Unity In Diversity and singing Vande Mataram, I thought chi, so filmy.

6. I can speak 14 different languages but Hindi isn't one of them. This makes me a bad, bad Indian.

7. When traveling by train, I am often mistaken for some movie star who 'has large eyes'. This never happens when I travel by bus.

8. I once shot and killed something accidentally and now I really like guns.

9. As a child, I was very good at long distance running and earned the nickname, The Fastest Little Indian, which in turn led to allegations of racism within my school. This led to a very ugly chapter in the Canadian Public School system which was later made into an After-school Special movie. While they refused to give me the lead role, I did play one of the girls who is mean to the Fastest Little Indian but later I pat her on the back and say you're awesome even though you look different.

10. I was part of the ukulele club until I said the ukulele club was retarded and then they said I couldn't be in the ukulele club anymore.

11. During my youth, cows and small birds would attack me for no reason.

12. To put all rumor and speculation to rest, yes I am actually the artist known as M.I.A.

13. I lied about the M.I.A thing.

14. And I lied about some other stuff too.

15. Actually I lied about everything.

16. No I didn't.

17. Yes I did.

18. I am going to say something profound yet funny about Slumdog Millionaire.

19. No I'm not.

okbai.