echa pa' lante, no mires pa' atras, pa' coger impulso, and you know what fuck you haha

hay yougaiz!!11 This blog post title is allegedly Yara Sofia’s farewell message when she sashayed away from RuPaul’s DragRace3. I'm not really sure what it means but it looked so foreign and exotic and Latin and stuff that I just HAD to have it yougaiz. So anyway, Raja won DragRace3. Yay for your face Raja! In your honor, we post a Raja gif. 

stolen from here

And here is a gif of RuPaul waving at me.

stolen from here

HAY MAIFRAAANDS!!111 HAAAAAAY!!!!111

Anyway, is it sidey to post after onemonthbreak to say ohai! I’m taking oneanothermonthbreak also? The answer is yes. Yes it is very sidey to do this. But whatever. Then you know what sprepper is? DragRace3 tells me that sprepper happens when you mix Sprite and Dr. Pepper which is Sweet! But Not Delicious! When you think about it, so many things in life are Sweet! But Not Delicious! I also learned another new word. This another new word is 'scrotching'. I think the person who kept saying this wanted to say ‘scorching’. Like they wanted to say ‘it is scorching day in the outside’. But instead, they are saying ‘it is scrotching day in the outside’. This could prettymuch mean anything yougaiz. But I feel like this could be used when you generally want to say something negative but also want to include crotches and setting things on fire also.

Then what happened means I was interviewed by the highlyillustrious V.V. Ganeshananthan at the Sepia Mutiny. Not only was this fun interview to do, it includes some helpful tips from my booklet How to Write Your Awesome Indian Slum Novel and kind people said nicecomments also which I now keep in the pockets of my heart. And the DheegaDheega song is there also. That in itself makes everything #winning, no? Yes. Yes it does.

 

Then also, because I think it's important to perpetuate rumors whenever possible, rumor has it that I will have some kind of echapbook happening in the near future. If it happens, you heard it here phust yougaiz. Although I think Blaft posted about it on their blog already but whatever.

Then what happened means I VOTED!!11 Very exciting! I like to vote yougaiz. This was a lot more interesting when it happened and when I thought about it afterwards. It is not so interesting now when I write about it here. 

Now, I will take this opportunity to answer some questions. Some of these questions are real, some are fake, some are completely made up and some are Sweet! But Not Delicious!

1. Epicest RuPaul Pic Evar? 

There are so many. But this one is just...there are no words yougaiz.

stolen from here

The only thing missing here is a sparkly unicorn holding up a sign saying ‘I cannot stand the absolute epic that is happening in this picture right now yougaiz’. 

2. How Are you Celebrating Short Story Month?

As an alleged short story writer, it behooves me to celebrate this month with pomp and circumstance and aplomb and perspicacity and fortitude and all those kinds of things like that. Primarily, I've decided not to write any short stories during this time. This is like how on Saraswati Puja day you don't touch any books or anything. It's like that yougaiz. Then I thought I should try and read which was phail but was totally #winning in terms of falling asleep with mouth open. Then I thought ok let me listen to free podcasts. This is something I do very well. So here is what I heard yougaiz.

1. My Man Jeeves and Right Ho Jeeves by PG Wodehouse

I don't know why these are free. But they are. Which is awesome. These particular podcasts were also read very well which is just #totalwinning yougaiz. Also, it behooves me to share this passage from My Man Jeeves.

"No doubt you read my book, India and the Indians? My publishers are anxious for me to write a companion volume on the United States. I shall not be able to spend more than a month in the country, as I have to get back for the season, but a month should be ample. I was less than a month in India, and my dear friend Sir Roger Cremorne wrote his America from Within after a stay of only two weeks."

Isn't it neat how that was how people did things back then but that totally doesn't happen today? That's so neat yougaiz.

2. The Chink and the Child by Thomas Burke
I'm not linking to this. I don't know why I listened to this either. I remember while listening I kept wanting to ask the narrator, 'How can you keep reading this? Can you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth? Why are you doing this?' That was probably unfair on my part but it was what I felt yougaiz. Anyway, the story is what it is and I guess that's all we can say. Also it is neat to know that with regard to Burke, and I quote from the awesome and illustrious wikipedia, "the majority of his autobiogaphies attest to his supposedly intimate knowledge of lower-class life. These fabricated autobiographies enabled Burke to establish his authority as an expert on the Chinese in London, allowing him to create a persona that he used to market his fictional works on Limehouse. As Witchard notes, Burke, through his writing, positioned himself as a “seer” in an “occult process” of representing London’s sub-cultural ‘Others'." Oh my. Oh my, Oh my, Oh. My.

3. Why don't you post some tits on your blog? 

Of course. Here are some bouncing ones.

4. Mutton Song yes or not?

yes.  

5. Saali Bitch song yes or not?

Oh honey not. So much not. Although on the cover, Thiru IshqBector Avargal seems to have written the word Ishq in big letters on a wall using his own pee which leads me to believe that perhaps he has a massive bladder. Which probs comes in superhandy on long bus rides and things like that. Really feel like one needs to find the positives where one can and celebrate them. Although the pee looks like black spray paint also. I don't think your pee is supposed to look like that. I really don't know what to say now yougaiz.

6. I haven’t read your writing because your kind of writing doesn’t interest me but I do think you should answer my 27 part question regarding your Indian identity crisis.

I’m actually a white dude from Finland. But from far away I look like I have an Indian identity crisis. Also,

stolen from somewhere on jezebel.com

 Did you know this dude dances really well to Show Me Your Jalwa? Really he does. He's supertalented yougaiz.

And now, some musics.

Missy Elliott VS. Rudenko - Everybody Lick Shots Remix by DjCK 

Britney Spears- If You Seek Amy (Metal Remix by bliix)

Britney Spears- 3 (Metal Remix by bliix)

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Perform This Way

And of course, since today is Mother's Day, a salute to all mothers with this mothering MGR song from Adimai Penn which featured the biggest Amma of all. This is seriously a great song yougaiz. Makes you feel like running and jumping among big rocks in the sun. But not in a scrotching way.

seri bai, ah?

all these bitches is my sons is the industry leader of viral data hygiene

This blog post title is taken from an iteration of the constantly-changing prospectus for my forthcoming novel All These Bitches is My Sons. If you are, for some reason, able to read the prospectus in its entirety without your brain exploding, you will see that All These Bitches is My Sons is more than just a novel and the industry leader of viral data hygiene. Sometimes it is also the industry leader of B2C one-to-one re-sizing and sometimes it also practically invented the term "CAD". The fact that you get a completely new prospectus every time you refresh the page just goes to show how dynamic and fluid this novel is going to be. It’s just how we do.

So much shawking shawking news! Bryan Adams concert in India! ZOMG!!! That has never EVER happened before! Do you think he’ll sing Summer of ’69? Even though it’s 2011? Does anyone know why he keeps coming here? Also, Raja was arrested! It’s almost like he did something bad or something! Shawking!  

Now I will put these exclamation marks to better use and say RuPaul! Season 3! Episode 3! Drag Queens in Outer Space! Why hasn’t someone made this movie yet? Seriously, we had lesbian vampire killers but no drag queens in space, it makes no kinda sense!! Ok, my fav lines from this ‘sode were

Well. Glad you’re still here Curly.

(k- Ok, the line isn’t that amazing but when Manila said this it kinda sounded like she was saying Kuzhali and I was like !!!!!  Only she was saying Curly and she was saying it to Shangela and Shangela was like bish, please. It kind of sounded like Kuzhali. Kinda.)

Delta knows how many cab drivers I’ve slept with, Delta knows all kinds of shit.

Tweaker? The She Monkey? That’s haut.

Do not make fake sound effect gun noises.

(k- general rule I think. Just anywhere, fake gun noises. No.)

The idea of having Michelle Visage sitting there terrifies me a little bit because that woman scares me.

Lily motherfucking Tomlin.

(k- I KNOW!!!)

And while not technically a line, this little bit of conversation that happened while they were doing rehearsals was very swish because they were about to do the scene so someone said 'Action!' and then this happened.

‘Say what?’

‘Action?’

‘Oh’.

 

What else means PETA did an ad which apparently features a range of women fellating vegetables. I feel like this is the right time to confess that the only reason I am not a vegetarian is because PETA has not done an ad featuring haut dudes fucking melons. Make it happen PETA!!!

Then, my contributor’s copy of Pank 5 arrived to my little corner of existence and that is always a triumph when things like that happen. If you’re sitting there with thirteen American dollars and wondering hmm, what I can do with this thirteen American dollars maybe you can buy one number copy. Not only is it filled with writers who are phamous in other countries, it has some kind of illustrated dead bear on the cover and a bus and fire. If I had thirteen American dollars, I’d buy it for the cover alone. 

Also, Lapata interviewed me at Chapati Mystery and painted a picture of me also and also included my louly ‘you mad!’ dancing dude as well, which is very yes. Did you know he dances like an awesome to ‘show me your jalwa’? I feel like the haters need to know this and if you know this and keep hating anyway then I don’t know what to say. You must be carrying a great sadness around with you if you keep hating after seeing the ‘you mad!’ dude dance to ‘show me your jalwa’.

Then after somehow managing to listen through the novel Moby Dick, I made the unfortunate decision to listen to The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett. And while I can appreciate the book for what it is, I can’t help but feel like it would have been vastly improved if the garden had eaten all the children in the end. Or the children had eaten the garden. I guess maybe the latter, considering they were eating so much of everything else during a large portion of the book. Anyhoo, I am pleased to say that I was able to make up for things with two veryexcellent short story collections which I feel are totally worth reading/listening to again and again. 

Dubliners by James Joyce-  One reader actually sings at one point and another makes sounds like a cork popping. Which is rad.

A Man of Means by P. G. Wodehouse and C. H. Bovill – The reader does not sing or make cork popping noises but we don’t judge him because that's not how we do.

And then, while trawling the internet to find stuff to read about Egypt, I came across this post called A Guide: How Not To Say Stupid Stuff About Egypt. I found this very helpful because while I am not an authority on Egypt or the situation there, I kept reading stuff that made me feel like something was not quite right in the way some things were being said. Coming across these kinds of guides when dealing with Othering in fiction is inevitable. Someone writes something idiotic (which happens a lot and frankly, there’s not enough guides happening), someone else gets riled up about it and they write a guide because really, that’s about all you can do about Othering. It’s a very lucrative gig and also if you call people out on it, that means you’re racist and sitting on the neck of their artistic freedom. Or something. I don’t really understand that part.

These guides also often happen in response to certain kinds of travelogues which are also basically fiction and which are also popular because of the Othering factor. My Trip To Canada? Meh. My Trip To Africa! YES PLEASE! Tell us all about how the tribal people danced with lions and elephants and how they made you king of their village after you showed them your cell phone!!! I feel like Canada really misses out because it has no tribal people dancing with lions and elephants. They do have Nanaimo bars though. Anyway.

And now we have a guide for the situation in Egypt, which I think means that at some level, Othering is rearing its awesome head here as well. If when listening to what the Egyptian people are saying, some folk are only coming away with the revelation that 'Egyptian people are so articulate', it seems to imply that what they're actually saying is being lost in the astonishment that the Egyptians can speak at all. And to say 'duh of course they can speak, what's wrong with you?' is for some reason racist and like, so mean and stuff like that. I don't really understand that either. So many things I don't understand. 

I think the need for the guide arose because possibly for the first time evar, Egypt is being discussed in terms that don’t involve The Mummy and My Awesome Egyptian Vacay! And while I cannot speak of Egypt, I feel like I can speak about the other things that Egypt has taught me.

A large number of people do not want to actually understand what is happening in Egypt. They just want to get all emo on Twitter. (in case you DO want to educate yourself, maybe you can start with this helpful post at the disquiet blog. but it's way easier not to read anything at all and just get emo on Twitter. seriously.)

The incidents in Egypt have helped an enormous number of people realize things like the women are brave and the people are nice and these are totally relevant things to say right now because they are not generalizing and sweeping statements at all. Perhaps most shawking of all, Egyptians actually do not go around 'walking like an Egyptian'.

People who are ‘progressive’ and awesome because they got dysentery one time when they went to Mexico cannot technically say fuckwitted things about Egypt because this one time, they got dysentery when they went to Mexico and Mexico is like Egypt. If you feel what they say is fuckwitted, it's because you never got dysentery in Mexico. 

People who are totally not in Egypt are like really upset. We can know this because they keep saying things like ‘I’m so upset about what’s happening in Egypt. I just can’t deal with it. Why can’t they just stop! It's all too much for me, I can't bear it! Make them stop! They're upsetting me!!!!!’ I’m sure the Egyptians are real sorry and wouldn’t have gone all revolutiony if they had known you’d get so upset. 

'Walk Like an Egyptian', a song with lines like 'foreign types with the hookah pipes' is somehow the unofficial anthem for the 'Egyptian Revolution' because…well you know, they are both about Egypt and Egyptians walk but as was pointed out earlier, not like how we thought they walked. And it's always important to appoint other people's anthems for other people's revolutions. I feel like Egypt Rani from the movie Narasimha (phust song) is a better choice because at one point, the woman is called a 'ganja poonthottam' which I believe sloppily translates as 'marijuana flower garden'.

And now, mashups.

Hood Stunna 

I Run This 

G6's N' Whatever 

okbai.

What Is Blaftatronic Halwa?

Blaftatronic Halwa is

1) Stale, bus-stand halwa which causes stomach problems exactly 15 minutes into your 7 hour bus journey

2) Halwa that has something in it that is either soft, moldy cashews or partially fossilized raisins and when you eat it (which you do, because you are stupid), it tastes like french fries.

3) Halwa made from broken motherboards and battery acid.

4) The halwa you tried to make once that not only solidified into something much harder than granite, it swallowed up the frying pan, a small spoon and three casual acquaintances who were standing too close to the stove at the time.

5) The brand new blog from Blaft Publications

If you answered 2, that's really gross and possibly reflects badly on your eating habits and diminishes your worth as a person. But if you answered 5, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! The Blaft Blog has finally arrived and we all of us together are so much looking forward to the blaftastic things they will spark and sparkle the internetz with.

First post is an interview with Myself. Here is excerpt:-

they see me just walking through the fields that are all droughted and stuff and they’re like oh my god you have to play for our team, you’re so awesome and I’m like no and I’m sad and emaciated but I can speak really good English so they’re like oh no please you have to, you speak good English and I’m like no but then I say yes and then we go for the tournament and the other team are like playing dirty and they have black hair and they keep glaring at us in slow motion but we persevere and we win because we are awesome and unconventional and it starts to rain and I say oh my village needs this rain and I am here in this rain and my village is over there and it’s not in the rain and everyone cries but I don’t because I am awesome and unconventional.

Click to read the rest. Go on, you know you want to.

k