good authors too who once knew better words now only use four letter words writing prose anything goes

Do you know where black Africa is? It’s between orange Africa and chartreuse Africa. It is often confused with brown India and yellow China, which are both very colorful countries.

That isn’t really what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the steamed rice cake. I do not know what a steamed rice cake is. That’s not really a big deal- only recently I learned what a fajita was and I was also immensely disappointed to learn about the Garibaldi biscuit. These are just a few of the many, many, many things that I’ve read about in stories but only have a very vague idea about. But among the few things that I do know is idlis. I appreciate idlis so much because they are simple, cheap and when your stomach fucks you over so that all other food readily forsakes you, it is the idli that will stand by you and help you get better. In many ways, the idli is like a very good friend that you don’t like to acknowledge as a very good friend.

So you can imagine how flabbergastingly disappointing it is for me to learn that in certain pieces of fiction, this exotic ‘steamed rice cake’ is supposedly an idli. It’s not an explanation or a definition of an idli- the poor idli is stripped of its Indian name and given an awkward English descriptor instead. I know, I know some peeps are saying duh, those stories are not written for you, in which case I haz a sad, like how I haz a sad when I sit in India and watch a documentary about Indian slums that was clearly made for non-Indian audiences [Shot of cow in street with somber voiceover saying ‘Indians are culturally opposed to toilets which is why they enjoy defecating at the side of the roads.’]. I also know that some peeps are saying oh no you d’int! Oh no you di’nt because you know those English descriptors are being used for better factual accuracy and better representation and all that other stuff you keep whining about so oh oh oh NO you di’nt.

But I don’t think this is about factual accuracy. I think this is about discarding the Indian word completely in favor of the English descriptor, like we are ashamed of it. Isn’t an idli an idli like how a nacho is a nacho? You don’t see American writers calling nachos ‘thin, unleavened flat bread made from maize and often cut into triangular wedges’, do you? Personally speaking, I have trouble reconciling the idli with the steamed rice cake because when I think of ‘cake’, I think of birthday cake, when I think of ‘steamed’, I think of a steam pressure washing unit and when I think of ‘rice’, I think of curd rice. So when I read Anand’s mother packed him a simple meal of steamed rice cakes, I’m thinking that he’s getting a birthday cake made of curd rice and steam pressure washing units. But hey, that’s just me.

Is idli one of the many four-letter words we’re not supposed to use in fiction because it is bad? Are we ashamed of idlis? Are we ashamed because many people don’t know what an idli is so we must never speak of them at all unless we apologetically refer to them as Steamed Rice Cakes? Do we fear that non-Indians (otherwise known as white people) might think we are all terrorists if we don’t deconstruct the idli completely so that even native idli eaters don’t recognize what we’re talking about? Is that the only way we can get white people to like us?

I don’t really know. What I do know is that reading some of the English descriptors for Injun things can often be an irrealisticallysurreal experience for myself. Because I am awesome, I have been able to break down how these irrealisticallysurreal experiences happen for me. I am only going to use Tamil words here because that’s all I know.


Example 1

Tamil Word- pottu

English Descriptor- caste mark

Flawed Initial Understanding of English Descriptor – Heavy bruises and blunt force trauma sustained after being bludgeoned with a cast, possibly a full-body cast with the body still inside it

Complete Sentence- She walked home from the local temple, her forehead blazing with caste marks.

Thought Process Following Flawed Initial Understanding of English Descriptor Within The Complete Sentence- For some reason, this woman was beaten up with a body cast by someone in the temple. It doesn’t sound like a very nice temple.

Further Confusion Caused By Another Sentence- He was sitting in the temple, deep in meditation, his body covered in caste marks.

Further Confused Thought Process- What kind of temple is this? Why do people go there? People shouldn’t go there.


Example 2

Tamil Word- sambar

English Descriptor - lentil soup

Flawed Initial Understanding of English Descriptor - In my little youth, I heard a story about a woodsman who was so poor that all he could eat was lentil soup, which I imagined was three pieces of grass in water with a lot of tiny pebbles. To this day, this is what I think of when I think of lentil soup

Complete Sentence- His mouth watered as he thought of having a hot meal of steamed rice cakes and lentil soup.

Thought Process Following Flawed Initial Understanding of English Descriptor Within The Complete Sentence - The aforementioned steamed rice cake and this lentil soup combination makes me think that this is why so many people think all Indians are strange and super poor and would be really happy if someone gave them a sandwich.


Example 3

Tamil Word- vadai

English Descriptor - deep fried spicy lentil cutlet

Flawed Initial Understanding of English Descriptor - This is a code or a secret password for something. The black eagle flies at dawn. Deep fried spicy lentil cutlet.

Complete Sentence- Lakshmi served him a delicious breakfast of steamed rice cakes, lentil soup and a deep fried spicy lentil cutlet.

Thought Process Following Flawed Initial Understanding of English Descriptor Within The Complete Sentence - This whole sentence is a secret password for something. Or maybe Lakshmi is serving up some kind of Chinese food, I heard they eat steamed rice cakes in China. Or was it California. It was some place that started with C. Probably California because Lakshmi seems more like a Californian name than a Chinese one. Hey! Maybe this is a story about Padma Laksmi and Top Chef!


Example 4

Tamil Word- Payasam

English Descriptor - Milk Pudding sweetmeat

Flawed Initial Understanding of English Descriptor - Milk and pudding and pieces of sweet meat all mixed together.

Complete Sentence- As a birthday treat, grandmother served her special milk pudding sweetmeat which all ate with great relish.

Thought Process Following Flawed Initial Understanding of English Descriptor Within Given Context- I do not judge your grandmother for feeding you a mixture of sweet meat, milk and pudding because maybe in your culture you eat that sort of thing. I do judge you for eating this with large quantities of relish which judging from my personal experiences, is always some kind of dodgy, banned American relish that somehow ends up in India along with certain kinds of dodgy peanut butter and chocolate pudding. The Surgeon General recommends you take up smoking instead of eating milk and pudding and sweet meat and dodgy relish. If you decide you would rather not heed this worthy advice, the Surgeon General says to tell you goodbye.


Special shout-out to

She closed her eyes and prayed to the elephant-faced god

Can I just say that I think peeps need to get over the fact that G-dawg has an elephant’s head and maybe do this totally novel and unconventional thing like maybe, oh I don’t know, maybe actually refer to him by name? You don’t see people calling Jesus ‘That Guy On The Cross’, do you?

okbai.


no wait before okbai, let’s listen to some music, no? yes.

First, let’s listen to some white people music which is such a racist thing to say. Let’s use the titles of the song in a sentence to make it more funner. Ready?

Clap your hands because you are the girl you lost to cocaine who isn’t so much into cocaine anymore but I know that you want the candy. For some reason, you do not want the anglerfish. That was two sentences.

And now, as penance for our lying and racism, let’s listen to some Das Racist. Band name and two song names in a sentence. Ready?

You oughtta know that you can’t have a Big Mac at the Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell because Das Racist.

okbai

no wait wait. You saw UK Cosmo’s spread of nekkid menz? No? Don’t afraid, you can see here. And what exactly will you see when you clicky-clicky? You will see men you’ve mostly never heard of engaging in lolwutly awkward and staged posing with rapey face, I’m-looking-at-something-over-there face, i-am-going-to-sneeze face and the very popular no-for-realz-this-is-sexy-why-are-you-laffing? face. There is also a gentleman who has a pineapple pressed against his matrimonial areas.

okbai. for realz.

A Writer’s Guide for Poor Indians With Internet Connections

How can you be poor in India and have an internet connection? Why don’t you sell your internet connection and not be poor? I know, right? This is such a valid question. But for whatever reasons, there are those among us who are poor but they have teh internetz. They have internet connection but it is for an assembled PC which was built from donated parts. This PC is kept on the floor and is of such a nervous and high-strung disposition that it will freeze and shut down frequently and for no reason. These louly individuals like to read English books but can only afford to buy pirated books or stuff off the pavement. They have their ‘own place’ but this place is only 1 room with a very sad looking pillow which they call a chair. These are people who other people assume to be “rich” because they speak English. Some of these people want to make arts or maybe they want to sing English songs or take photographies or the philims. Some of them want to write in English. Many of them feel bad because sometimes their family members say they are a waste of rice. Let us tackle some common questions poor Indians with internet connections may have about writing.


1. Hai. I have an internet connection and sometimes I hang out in the online writing world and some people there say that I will never ever ever make it as a writer because I can’t afford to buy writing books or join writing courses or go to conferences where everyone drinks wine and wears sweaters. Is this true?

No. It is a false. These are badbad people and you should not listen to them. These people are bumholes. Sometimes these bumholes will turn around and say they feel sorry for you for not being able to afford books, courses or sweaters. These bumholes are the same bumholes who go up to people in wheelchairs and say, ‘Wow, it must really suck to be you because you don’t have legs so I guess that means you don’t have a life and I guess you probably wish you had my legs because my legs are awesome and you don’t have them and you can’t do anything without legs which I have and you don’t.’
Books, courses and writing conferences may help or they may not, I really don’t know. I do know that not having them doesn’t mean you can’t write. Teh internetz has places to read, places to learn, places to workshop, places to publish, places to find useless information, places to fight, places to make people feel suicidal and places to make yourself feel suicidal. It has unicorn porn, fundamentalists, suicide pictures, miracles, racists, homophobes, awesome people who have done awesome things and never told anyone, LOLcats, people who hate you even though they don’t know you, poetry generators, dreams, secrets, fantasies, made-up words, despairs, hopes, nightmares and recipes. And don’t forget you also have the real world too, though it may be hard to find some things in the real world like maybe it will be hard to find a ranting white supremacist in India or pornographic unicorns. But between the real world and teh internetz, you are having a lot of stuff readily available. Most of it is free, all of it is useful for writing, depending on how you use it. So tell the bumholes to go fuck themselves.



2. Hai. I have an internet connection and I’ve noticed in the online writing world, sometimes people argue about how poor they are and how this makes them awesomer writers and more creative and artistic and stuff. On the First World writing forums, I really want to step in and say I’m poor and I come from a Third World country, which means I should win, right? I’m the real-deal poor, right? Because all I have is a one-room house with a pillow that I keep telling everyone is a chair but I don’t think anyone believes me. I live on Milk Bikis and 2 rupee packets of jam and I once walked barefoot right across the city. At night. In the rain. For a week. Because I had no money for the bus. I am totally badass, right? My Third World poverty is like HELLA EPIC street cred, right? Right?

When it comes to poorness and the poverties, it is so important to remember two things- one, it is generally not a good idea to engage in the Whose More Poor? game because it is a stupid game. It’s the stupidest game ever. Two, you live in a country where people clean out septic tanks and sewage lines with their bare hands so I don’t think you can claim to be “real-deal poor” just because you don’t have a chair. The following things also do not necessarily mean you can or should claim Third World Poverty Street Cred.

1. Sleeping on the floor
2. eating chili beef from roadside stall
3. smoking beedis
4. riding the bus
5. walking
6. buying your marijuana from some little dude called Palani
7. saying ‘hi’ to lepers so you can tell whoever is walking beside you that said leper is your ‘good friend’

On the bright side, your kind of poverty will not get you mowed down by drunk rich kids and you will also not be harassed by white dudes from other countries who want to make movies about you so they can win Oscars.

Also, declaring Third World poorness in First World writing forums may not be as fun as you think. When playing the Who’s More Poor Game, confronting people with Third World poorness is a little like trying to show off you have a bigger chest by pulling out three boobies or showing off you have more dick by pulling out two dicks. It’s more but it’s not necessarily more in a good way. And it kind of shuts everything down because no one will know what to say to you.



3. Hai. I have an internet connection but I have a PC with this big clunky monitor that makes my eyes burn whenever I read something so now I have these huge dark circles around my thoroughly bloodshot eyes. I’ve joined an online writing workshop and everyone says I suck and no one thanks me for my reviews and all the really fuckall stories are the ones that everyone likes. I keep getting rejected by non-paying ezines that everyone else gets accepted into. One of my stories has been rejected 24 times. When I visit writing discussion forums, I don’t understand what they are talking about and I feel stupid. It takes me three months to write one paragraph and it still doesn’t seem right and everyone else writes 8 awesome stories a minute. Nobody ever nominates me for awards or talks about how awesome I am. Everyone is really mean to me and I want to go home. What should I do?

You should give me all your money. Kidding. No seriously, give me all your money.

I will now quote someone who said this random quote to me. And I quote. "What to do, ma? It is like that only." This is very true and it applies utterly and completely to writing. It is like that only.

If you feel you absolutely must do something, go to the “roof” of your “house”, throw your hands in the air and shout ‘I AM SPARKLY AWESOME INDIAN UNICORNPERSON HAVING SO MANY WRITING POTENTIALITIES!!!’ Say it again and again and again. Say it until the words stop making sense so you start mixing them up and saying ‘SO MANY INDIAN I UNICORNPERSON SPARKLY AM POTENTIALITIES AWESOME HAVING!!!’ Then go back inside because you are maybe causing so much disturbances for the common neighborhood peoples.

Onwards and upwards, you awesome poor Indians with internet connections! Go kill the world! (this does not mean that I am encouraging you to engage in acts of terrorism or violence, which may be associated with people with brown skin and unpronounceable names who come from countries starting with the letter ‘I’)

okbai.