Is ‘yougaiz’ against Indian culture? It probably is yougaiz.

Dear whoever landed on this blog in the hopes of finding ‘west mambalam free raped girls phone number’, not to sound all judgy and stuff but WTF??!!1111 Also you are gross. Also 

To continue in the wtf vein, a certain Maureen Chao who is allegedly Vice Consul of illustrious US Consulate allegedly spoke about her Foreigner in Indian Train experience which is not that interesting but allegedly the experience made her so dirty and dark that she had to tell us that ‘I became dirty and dark, like a Tamilian’ . Thankfully the US consulate website made everything ok by posting this ‘Ms. Chao deeply regrets if her unfortunate remarks offended anyone, as that was certainly not her intent.' I’m really glad they did this yougaiz because I was SO about to get offended because that is what whiny third world colored folk are wont to do, no? Yes. Anywaiz, my favorite aspects of this little kerfuffle are as follows. 

1.      She said these awesome and empowering words about the Tamil people WHILE STANDING INSIDE THE TAMIL NADU YOUGAIZ!!11. Seriously. If you are not on drugs at the time, what kind of space does your brain need to be in for that to happen? At what point, while you are speechifying, does it seem like a good idea to say this? These are extremely relevant questions when you consider that the illustrious Maureen Chao is not your adorable but embarrassingly bigoted grandmother who says things like this in public because she is your grandmother. Maureen Chao is a foreign diplomat type person type thing. And I’m pretty sure that somewhere in foreign diplomat type person type thing school, they have a course where they teach you not to refer to the natives as dark and dirty while making public speeches. Or maybe they only have that course for First World countries because Third World natives really ARE dark and dirty. LOL!11 That is a clever joke. If you did not laugh at it, you are not only racist, you are a racist that can’t take a joke and that’s the worst kind of racist ever yougaiz.

2. I am also very much louing the illustrious people who are taking the high road on this one, kindly educating the rest of us on how us Indians should consider that an apology has been issued so that makes everything ok, it was ‘just a joke’ and most importantly, we should remember that all of us want to study in America and then live there forever and ever and that is FAR more important than some diplomat saying something about Tamilians being dark and dirty. You’ll never get that green card honey if you upbraid US consulate peeps. Come on now, eyes on the prize.

Now onto less disturbing things. The illustrious Adam Roberts said nice things about my echapbook and my collection. This illustrious blog also had nicethings to say about my collection. 

And now, I must take this opportunity to wish advance JaiHind greetings to all my Indian brothers and sisters on our forthcoming IndependenceDay celebrations. In honor of this hallowed dry day, I would like to call for Nationwide ban on certain kinds of wines, specifically whines, specifically whines about how this, that, up, down and your father in law are all against Indian Culture or causing Indian Culture to die. Indian culture is not going to die yougaiz. I think some little kid in Pondicherry was spotted hawking bags while shouting ‘Indian culture!’ or something so not only is Indian Culture not dead, it is very lucrative also for the common peoples. Heretoforehenceoforththerewith, I would personally like to say that I think this kind of whining is against Indian culture and so I call for ban against the following whines because they are also seditious encouraging our youth to go along the morally wrong path and is counterproductive to development of this great nation jai hind. Kindly request all to do the needful yours sincerely.


JAIHIND!!!11111 Whine aka I Am Indian Hear Me Rawr

This whine is RAWR LIKE INDIAN TIGER. But nay. India is home of the nonviolence so let us not be the violence. Instead, let us make up for the lack of violence by being loud, obnoxious and crazytown while maintaining very small attention span. For instance, let us look at the gay pride parades and slut walks but let us look at them from a distance because gay pride parades and slut walks are sogross and scawy ALL THIS NOT PART OF INDIAN CULTURE JAIHIND!!1111 Safely ensconced in our little boxes that are having no air and armed with our fabulous ignorance about gay pride parades and the slut walks because who wants to know about such things anyway, let us declare them both against Indian culture because they are both…walking? No, maybe let’s declare walking to be against Indian culture later on. Let us say they are against Indian culture because OH LOOK A SHINEEE PENNEH!!111 SHINEE PENNEH IS AGAINST INDIAN CULTURE BECAUSE IT IS NOT PAISA JAIHIND 111!!!!

Country Whine aka I Am Awesome Because When I Wave To The Lepers They Wave Back At Me And I Know The Names Of Two Auto Drivers

This whine states that Indian Culture can only exist in rural areas and among the poor people because that is the Real India. The rest of India is Fake India. Popular accents of this whine include talking about roughing it among the natives and how regional languages are the only real Indian languages and people who can’t/won’t talk in these languages should be ‘thrown out’. Naturally these whines are more effective when they are delivered in English, which thankfully happens alot. How else will the Fake Indians understand yougaiz??!!! While these whines like to be “gritty” in order to appear realistic, there is always a touch of romanticism of the louly green rice fields and the scent of poor and rural Indian things wafting on the poor and rural Indian breeze and flute playing and big white ambassador car rolling along the road carrying sunglassed hero who has come back from America after completing studies- chee, sorry that is opening for eighties Tamil movie. But it works here also. Also please to note. Sometimes Country Whine comes from people who are no longer in the country but feel they are in the best position to whine about Indian Culture because they came here for vacation once in 1984. This is known as Foreign Country Whine.

Homemade Whine aka We Run This Motha

This whine defines the entire spectrum of Indian history, culture and its people solely on the basis of the whiner's family, nextdoor neighbors and their six assorted friends. So if they don’t do it, then it must not be Indian and must be against Indian culture. Apart from the bizarre things they say, what makes this whine interesting is that they speak with a great amount of conviction. And why wouldn’t you, when you believe that you and your six friends constitute the entire Indian experience. Popular aspects of this whine include saying things like ‘we do not do such things in India’ 'that is not Indian' and my personal favorite, ‘you please leave this to the West, as it is not part of this culture’ .

I Haz A Sad Whine aka The Bluebird of Happiness in My Life Has Been Replaced By The Indian Boiler Chicken of Depression

Watery with tears of nostalgia, this whine laments the fact that Indian culture is dead/dying and that everything Indian suddenly isn’t Indian anymore because it is different from the India of 1979. It is marked by sadness, bewilderment and utter dismay that India had the audacity to change over time. Did it wantingly change or was it CIA propaganda? Why didn’t things stay the same? Who stole my 1979India? Where are the pistagreen walls and ambassador cars of my youth?

this just seemed very appropriate for this whine and was stolen from here

 jaihind vazhgabaratham yougaiz.

is englishbullying in modern india like hipster racism without the hipsters and the racism yougaiz please answer me yes or no?

This blog post title is something I would like to talk about a little later. First, did I mention I have an echapbook out called ‘Eating Sugar, Telling Lies’ which you can buy and enjai like anything? Did I also mention that my collection with the tediously long title is now available as an ebook so you don’t have to wander all over the countryside trying to find it? Didn’t mention? Ok so I have mentioned it now.

Now can we talk about the slew of shirtless dudes that have apparently bombarded the Bollywood and just ruined everything? I feel like peeps were complaining about this when I was in college also and that was a REALLY long time ago yougaiz. Maybe this is one of those things that people like to periodically bemoan, like the death of the short story, which apparently has been going on dying for many years now. Anywaiz, I believe some people are very upset about said slew of shirtless dudes because I think so in Bollywood only the women are supposed to appear in various stages of undress. In this way, Bollywood is very similar to Hollywood, thus proving that there is unity in the diversity. Or maybe peeps are upset because shirtless fellows are against Indian culture. Maybe like the feminism and the gayness, shirtless dudes are one another Western crapnonsense nuisance. This of course would explain why in our great Indian epics we have great Indian man hero type people fitted out in shirts which covered their modesty and their bellybuttons.  This is in marked contrast to certain women of low character who always displayed their bellybutton as a way of seducing great Indian man hero type people. 

from somewhere on jezebel.com

Can you see his bellybutton? You can totally see his bellybutton yougaiz!!11 OMG DON'T LOOK AT HIS BELLYBUTTON YOUGAIZ OR YOU MIGHT GET PREGNANT !!111 

Anyway then what happened means I watched a television commercial the other day. From what I remember of it, a man could not find his socks and his wifelet was pissed off because she had to come and find his socks for him. Then the teevee showed us a shot of some Bran Flakes (I think), which tells us that one of these illustrious individuals was constipated. Someone told me that Indians don’t get constipated because apparently that’s something that only happens to white people. And here we are in 2011 watching an Indian commercial for Bran Flakes. This is called progress of the globalization. Anyhoo, because I am just a silly old woman with a silly old uterus, I thought the constipated individual was the man, who was possibly so backed up that he could not even find his own socks anymore. But nay- twas the woman who was irregular. Her irregularity caused the irregular behavior of wondering why a grown man can’t find his own socks. Thankfully by the end of the commercial, the woman had her Bran Flakes and the snail was on the thorn, morning was at seven and the man had a woman to cheerfully find his socks for him. I’m really glad that commercial ended well because I was really worried about the socks!!11 Who would find them?!!11 Would they be lost forever?!11 So much drama yougaiz. 

Now, I would like to talk about this blog post’s title. This is something that occurred to me a while back, when I noticed that an Indian name was trending on Twitter. The Indian name belonged to an Indian dude who had an Indian blog that was filled with Indian English and it was just the funniest thing evarevar yougaiz. The trending seemed to be largely made up of that unique form of EnglishBullying that we are so fond of doing in our onenumber country to anyone who has the audacity to use Indian English like it is a language that people actually speak in India or something. This bullying is not really bullying yougaiz because apparently it helps the other person to ‘see his mistake and correct his ‘bad’ English’. So it’s kinda like the mean twin of the Benevolent English Despotism I once blogged about before. And while they may appear to be different, I feel they are both are coming from the same family only. 

The bullying in itself was not very interesting but it was done in that slightly nervous, loud and defensive way that makes EnglishBullying so adorbs- like hipster racism joketype things, it is extremely important to go along and laugh at everything because if you don't, you either don’t have a sense of humor or you are pretending to be American or you are a terrorist or you have your period or something. I myself did not laugh because I did not really see what we were supposed to be laughing at. On the one hand, we had this individual who had offended Mother India by having a blog filled with Indian English which apparently is “the horrible English”. And then we had peeps tweeting things like ‘‘god please save d India from such fellows who use d English in such a manner jai hind!’ I found all this very similar to a forward I received some time back, which snarked about the similar horrible English one finds on certain shaadi.com profiles. This consisted of taking a profile that was written in “bad” English with “bad” grammar and then following it with a comment that read something like ‘next time you plz ask the help in framing    sentence to save us from you’re painful grammar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’.

I’m guessing that the English used by one party is “better” than that used by the other, although I am unable to see just where the betterment is. I am also unable to understand why it is so important to jump up and down and frantically scream about "the horrible Englishes" or if people are aware of what it looks like when you frantically scream about "the horrible Englishes'" while using phrases like "the horrible Englishes". Admittedly, I probably shouldn’t be talking about this at all. Not only is this blog is riddled with bad English and grammar, I have no qualms in admitting that not only was I student of Government Girls Higher Secondary School in the Tamil Nadu, I also failed English in the same. I also failed English in Canada although there it was called “Language Arts”. Point being that I have failed English in First and Third World countries so that’s probably why I cannot discern the subtle but incredibly important differences which makes one of these Englishes moar better than the other.

Instead, I will end all this with this poem by Nissim Ezekiel. I like this poem very much but perhaps this man is somewhat to blame for the goingon population explosion of that awful thing called Indian English because blatantly he has written poem using the same. Hopefully the EnglishBullyingBrigade will be able to put this man and his horrible English in his place soon and save the India from such fellows.

The Professor

 Remember me? I am Professor Sheth.

 Once I taught you geography. Now

 I am retired, though my health is good.

 My wife died some years back.

 By God's grace, all my children

 Are well settled in life.

 One is Sales Manager,

 One is Bank Manager,

 Both have cars.

 Other also doing well, though not so well.

 Every family must have black sheep.

 Sarala and Tarala are married,

 Their husbands are very nice boys.

 You won't believe but I have eleven grandchildren.

 How many issues you have? Three?

 That is good. These are days of family planning.

 I am not against. We have to change with times.

 Whole world is changing. In India also

 We are keeping up. Our progress is progressing.

 Old values are going, new values are coming.

 Everything is happening with leaps and bounds.

 I am going out rarely, now and then

 Only, this is price of old age

 But my health is O.K. Usual aches and pains.

 No diabetes, no blood pressure, no heart attack.

 This is because of sound habits in youth.

 How is your health keeping?

 Nicely? I am happy for that.

 This year I am sixty-nine

 and hope to score a century.

 You were so thin, like stick,

 Now you are man of weight and consequence.

 That is good joke.

 If you are coming again this side by chance,

 Visit please my humble residence also.

 I am living just on opposite house's backside.

- By Nissim Ezekial, stolen from here

Valerie- Amy Winehouse 

baiyougaiz

We Like Gaiz Yougaiz!!1111

This blog post title is awkwardly appropriated from this pic

stolen from here

This gaizappreciation pic is superneat but unfortunately, not very Indian at all. We can know it is not Indian from a number of salient nonIndian features.

1. The women are white and Indian women can’t be white because they are brown. Indian women are just like you and me expect they are brown yougaiz. The only time Indian women are not brown is when they turn white in order to become awesome wifelets or to get job that involves carrying a laptop and swishing one's hair in dramatic manner. 
2. While all Indian women are overwhelmingly heterosexual, it is not part of Indian culture to blatantly advertise one's female heterosexuality by putting gentshead pictures on the wall, as this is a sign of loosecharacterbehaviors which ultimately leads to the decline of humanity and is also been known to be a strong contributing factor to the hole in the ozone layer.
3. Indian women do not wear skirts because they only wear Indian clothing which apart from being very Indian, forms a magical forcefield that deflects and prevents sexual molestation, which is something the jeanspant cannot do.
4. The men on the wall are mostly white and Indian women only like Indian men. I feel like this is the right time to clarify that this dude is actually Indian. 

stolen from somewhere on jezebel.com

     Here we can see him proving his Indianness and manliness by doing traditional Indian dance of Indianness and Manliness.

stolen from here

Now this blog will attempt to promote patriotism and nationalist thinking by sharing two very Indian things.

1. I have an echapbook out from Blaft called Eating Sugar, Telling Lies. You can buy it here. Or you can buy it here if you live in the US or UK. Or you can buy it here if you have a Kindle. This is an Indian thing because the title is taken from ancient Indian nursery rhyme which actively promotes criminal activities among the youth as well as juvenile diabetes. 

2. My collection' Insects are Just like You and Me Except Some of them have Wings' is now available as an ebook and you can buy it here, here and here. This is an Indian thing because some people from other countries have said it is.

Since this blog post started with a very nonIndian thing, it seems appropriate to end on a nonIndian note, specifically what Ghulam Nabi Azad said recently about homosexuality.  The illustrious Wikipedia tells me that he allegedly said that homosexuality was a disease, which is not that interesting because a lot of people like to say that. But he also allegedly said that homosexuality was ‘an import from Western Nations’, which you have to admit is so Indian like pistagreen walls. Shockingly, our illustrious health minister was allegedly misquoted out of context yougaiz, which seems to happen a lot when people talk about homosexuality.

I read about this on some illustrious Indian news sites and because I am stupid, I read the comments that followed the article. And I have to say that the idea that homosexuality is a Western thing is certainly a very popular notion, with an alarming number of people being very keen on drawing parallels between homosexuality and that other horrific Western import, feminism. Apparently the two have a lot in common, the biggest commonality being that they are not Indian. One illustrious individual once informed me that they were both CIA plots which I think is the same as being not Indian. 

Then I thought about how there are certain Western imports which we take very active steps to appropriate. Like M Night Shyamalan. Remember when he got Oscared and we as a nation sort of fell all over ourselves saying that it was his Indianness that made him win? Isn't that like so embarrassing now yougaiz, especially since people don't seem to like him as much anymore? Appropriating people who win a Nobel Prize or awesome First World accolades in general is not easy. In some cases, the people haven't lived in India for eleventytwelvty years or they are like 'um, I'm not Indian' and we're like 'Oh yes you ARE!! AND WE'RE GOING TO PROVE IT !!111'

If homosexuality or feminism won an Oscar or something, maybe all the haters would stop hating, at least in a kneejerk sort of way. On the other hand, during the ensuing appropriation process we may have to prove that India invented homosexuality and women. That might be really hard yougaiz.
 

Trolling Saruman

Munni Badnaam Remix ft Black Eyed Peas (Dirty Bit) by MK

okbaiyougaiz.

stolen from here