Anyway, I thought I would use this post to catch up on some correspondence that I never got to send before 2010 keeled over and died.
Dear Warren Anderson,
Hay sup homi!!1! What’s going on with your bad geriatric self? You know, I was just thinking about how you’re totally not in jail but Dr. Binayak Sen just got life imprisonment on sedition charges. I couldn’t help but admire how neat that is for you and for all those people like you who are inside the Indias who should also be in jail but instead they are like in parliament and stuff like that. Indian Justice, we haz it! Anyhoo, I guess it’s only a matter of time before I call India a big poopoo head and get sent down for life on sedition charges myself. I guess you won't be in jail then either.
Dear Sheila Ki Jawani,
(stolen from here)
Dear ColorWar Brigade,
Did skin lightening in the third world become the new haut thing to write about now? Why are so many of these writings/conversations little more than excuses for peepal to talk about that time they went to that dark, exotic foreign land and that’s about it. I’m not hating, it’s totes cool to reduce otherwise large and complex conversations into excuses to talk about our minority friends and trips abroad. I myself used Christmas as an excuse to tell everyone I had that one Christian friend that one time. Besides, people kinda do it in fiction and that’s totes ok because whatever! But maybe if we want the conversations to move beyond that, maybe we can keep the following points in mind the next time we decide to fight over non-white folks in non-white countries and how they should be studied, pitied and then shot for lightening their skin. Also ‘non-white countries’ is the term I will use for want of a better term and because this is my blog and also all four of ya’ll know what I’m talking about anyway.
1. Skin-lightening in non-white countries has to do with white people, doesn’t have to do with white people and has to do with a bunch of other stuff, some of which predates Jesus and it’s all exceedingly difficult to summarize in 30 words or less. Wottodo, life is hard.
2. Skin lightening in non-white countries is not the same as skin lightening in America. If you apply the skin lightening reasons of America to skin lightening in non-white countries, you will reach that scawy part of the Twilight Zone called Flabbergasting Conclusions which is like a corn field but without the corn and without the field also.
3. Just because you ‘traveled extensively in *insert any non-white country here*', or ‘have friends from *insert any non-white country here*’ does not make you any kind of authority on issues of skin color in said non-white country. There is of course nothing wrong with sharing what you know based on these experiences but it would be really nice if people could move beyond ‘well when I was a tourist there I saw this happen from my tourist bus window so it must be true’.
4. Don’t feel shy to read resources on the issue that are written from a non-Eurocentric perspective!! I am convinced that shyness is the only reason why more people aren’t doing this so I say to you, SHY IS COMING MEANS DON’T AFRAID BAYBAY. YOU BE FREE!!! NO ONE CAN JUDGE YOU!!!
5. Did I mention I had that one Christian friend that one time? I totally did. True story.
Dear Indian Journalism,
In a year that was otherwise devoid of LOLZ, you guys were totes hilarious. Like seriously you guys were like,
I don’t know how you will top stuff like plagiarism, doing messenger work between political parties and taking dictation from corporate lobbyists. But I have fullfaith that you will somehow manage to entertain us even more in the new year. Stay classy ya’ll!
And now, the obligatory list of Resolutions for 2011. I hereby resolute to resolve to make the following resolutions.
1. I will walk with my people once I find them.
2. I will start a revolution.
3. I will be arrogant enough to think I can start a revolution.
4. I will stop talking about the ‘Other’ in fiction because it is pointless.
5. I will eat less vegetables.
6. I will never stop talking about the ‘Other’ in fiction because as an alleged writer with a blog, I revel in pointless things.
7. I will frequently say ‘PROUD TO BE INDIAN!!!!’ for no reason, thus cleverly avoiding any risk of being charged with sedition. PROUD TO BE INDIAN!!!!
8. I will find my home so I can finally give up and go home.
9. I will be more forgiving of people who refer to me as 'exotic', even if they keep doing it because to them it's a compliment and I guess it doesn't matter that it makes me feel like a pineapple.
10. I will ignore it when people call me 'exotic' and pretend like they just farted or something.
11. I will do the same as above when people say stupid things in general.
12. I will set up an I’m an Exotic Third World Writer So You Should Give Me Money Fund for the people who call me 'exotic' so these people can send me money and I can get this money that they send me. This fund will basically be about giving me money.
13. I will start a political party that solemnly swears never to talk to Nira Radia.
14. I will not buy bread that smells like agarbathis.
15. I will finish my epicest novel All These Bitches Is My Sons.
16. I will start the sequel and call it All These Bastards Is My Daughters.
17. I will write a novella called Only Some of These Bitches is My Sons.
18. I will only write in the goode Englishes like all goode people. Bad people apparently write in French because French is the opposite of English. FYI.
19. PROUD TO BE INDIAN!!!!
20. I will use the word ‘twunt’ more.
21. I will stop using the word ‘fuck’.
22. I will start using the word ‘fuckityfuck’
23. I will sob loudly when people pity me for not being able to speak my Mother tongue properly.
24. I will set up an I Can’t Speak My Mother Tongue Properly Fund so people can send me money and I can get this money that they send me. This fund, like the above mentioned fund, will basically be about giving me money.
25. I will no longer post the GIF of the dancing dude because it objectifies men, a section of society that has been oppressed and objectified for far too long. Objectifying men is reverse sexism and like reverse racism, it’s like so mean, you guys.
26. I will submit this list of resolutions somewhere as a list poem
27.
(stolen from jezebel.com but where exactly, who can say?)
28. YOU MAD!!!!11!!!!!!! That's not a resolution but whatever. YOU SO MAAAAAD!!11!!!!
29. I will eat more candy.
30. I will write shorter blog posts.
And now, in an effort to broaden my understandings of exotic cultures, some exotic musics.
Song of India by Korla Pandit- I am incredibly shocked to learn that Korla Pandit was apparently an African- American dude and not “a baby born in New Delhi, India to a Brahmin priest and a French opera singer, who traveled from India via England, finally arriving in the United States.” I am not really shocked with the costume of the dancing dude featured here because it explains to me why so many nonIndian people think that Gandhi was “wearing a diaper”.
Cara Mia by Jay and the Americans - Not to be confused with that other famous group Jai and the Indians
Cuanto La Gusta by Carmen Miranda and the Andrews Sisters
We No Speak Americano by Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP
And last but not certainly not least, here is my wish for you in the 2011.What did you say? Hey! What did you say? Nothing? Oh, it's alright!
May these words be like words in the new year and things like that.
okbai.
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